Horoscopes for Jerks: October, 2018

What’s your sign? Check out your Funny Horoscope October 2018, and the outlook for all those jerks you know, right here!

What? You don’t even believe in astrology? No matter, it doesn’t believe in you! And you could be wrong. Just in case, here’s your Funny Horoscope October 2018. Be sure to share your friends’ snarky outlooks with them, too! (Check out past funny horoscopes here.) 

Zodiac_01-Aries Aries: This Halloween, dress-up like a Ninja, so everyone knows just how subtle you are.
Zodiac_02-Taurus Taurus: The best part of a Bull sign is dependable and beautiful; the worst part is like candy corn – artificially dyed and full of empty calories.
Zodiac_03-Gemini Gemini: You may meet your soul mate during this time, but if it just so happens to be another Gemini, the relationship might look like a four-headed monster with a Trump mouth.
Zodiac_04-Cancer Cancer: Follow the media: don’t become involved with anything that has a positive impact on humanity – because mass shootings may happen anywhere at any moment.
Zodiac_05-Leo" Leo: One of the most popular representations of a Lion is from the Wizard of Oz… leave it to Americans to glorify cowardice and strip a powerful symbol of its true meaning.
Zodiac_06-Virgo" Virgo: Hot damnit on a cracker, if you were a Melungeon, your tobacco spit trajectory would far exceed the precision and accuracy of tax dollar allocation.
Zodiac_07-Libra" Libra: Happy Birthday beautiful Scale people! Enjoy your center of balance, even if it’s the most idealistic perspective ever.
Zodiac_08-Scorpio Scorpio: Your sexual energy will be heightened now. Just remember that having unprotected sex is like gambling on border control laws with hand grenades.
Zodiac_09-Sag Sagittarius: Just when you think everything is working-out as it should, you will likely encounter a short, white, meth-addicted male in a dragon costume who tries to steal your arrows.
Zodiac_10-Cap Capricorn: While it may be incredibly unlikely for you to do anything fun on Halloween, keep in mind that sports fans dress-up all year, and they aren’t labeled as unstable.
Zodiac_11-Aquarius Aquarius: The next time you feel drawn to a “non-profit” organization, consider how many products were advertised to lead you there.
Zodiac_12-Pisces Pisces: Just because you can see the difference between a haunt and a haint doesn’t mean anyone else can, or that you’re not crazy.

zodiac, horoscope October 2018, signs

zodiac, horoscope October 2018, signs
Mosaic pavement of a 6th century synagogue at Beth Alpha, Jezreel Valley, northern Israel. It was discovered in 1928. Signs of the zodiac surround the central chariot of the Sun (a Greek motif), while the corners depict the 4 “turning points” (“tekufot”) of the year, solstices and equinoxes, each named for the month in which it occurs. Enjoy this Funny Horoscope October 2018, and please share!
Jennifer Hollie Bowles
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