Ripping the Headlines Today, 11/20/18

Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to

The news doesn’t need to be complicated and confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon:

Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:

Monopoly

Millennials tell Hasbro just how insulting ‘Monopoly for Millennials’ really is

Well, I do see their point. The ‘sorry your credit score is too low to buy, you’ll have to rent option’ is insulting.

Chris Christie might replace Jeff Sessions as Attorney General

… Makes sense going from the guy who looks like he makes cookies to the guy who looks like he’s their best customer.

Happy 89th birthday Ed Asner

Dude, congratulations, finally, you look your age!

Florida official orders recounts for Governor and Senate races

Breaking: Recount shows there may actually have been 105 Luftballons.

Harvard scientists say Oumuamua may be probe sent by ‘alien civilization’

… I can’t be only one who first read that as ‘Omarosa’ and didn’t even blink.

Why the Queen wasn’t in Prince Charles’ 70th birthday photos

… uh, she’s always afraid he’ll sneak up behind her and go, “Boo!”

Hillary Clinton says Stacey Abrams would have won already ‘If she had a fair election’

Ok, now she’s just screwing with Bernie Bros.

This 13-year-old invented a teeth-cleaning candy, and it’s selling like crazy

… probably to that 5th dentist who prefers sugary gum!

FOX News: South Carolina grocery store censors ‘Summa Cum Laude’ on graduation cake, family says

… I’m more worried that ‘Summa Not Cum at All.’

After NBC News fiasco, where can Megyn Kelly go now?

I’m thinking hosting a new Sunday morning show ‘Blackface the Nation.’

Report: Trump retreating from duties into a ‘cocoon of bitterness’

… so, upside he’s working on his marriage!

The real difference between Aspirin and Ibuprofen—and when to take them

Don’t know, don’t want to know, just thinking about it is giving me a damn headache.

Man shouts ‘Heil Hitler, Heil Trump,’ does Nazi salute during Baltimore performance of ‘Fiddler on the Roof’

… could have been worse; he could’ve broken into ‘If I Were a Reich man.’

RIP, William Goldman

Or, better said for the master screenwriter, ‘Fade to Black.’

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Paul Lander

Paul Lander

Paul Lander is not sure which he is proudest of -- winning the Noble Peace Prize or sending Congolese gynecologist Dr. Denis Mukwege to accept it on his behalf, bringing to light the plight of African women in war-torn countries. In his non-daydreaming hours, Paul has written for Weekly Humorist, National Lampoon, American Bystander, Huff Post Comedy, McSweeney's, Bombeck Writers Workshop Blog and the Humor Times, written and/or produced for multiple TV shows and written standup material that's been performed on Maher, The Daily Show, Colbert, Kimmel, etc. Now, on to Paul's time-commanding Special Forces in Khandahar… (See all of Paul's "Ripping the Headlines Today" columns here.)
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