The Jerry Duncan Show Interviews the Real Indian

Wherein our intrepid talk radio host interviews Nikki Haley and Elizabeth Warren, who both claim real Indian ancestry.

ANNOUNCER

Live from under a rock in your backyard, it’s The Jerry Duncan Show.

JERRY

Good morning listeners nationwide. Is it a good morning? We’ll soon find out. Today on the show my guests are US Ambassador to the UN Nikki Haley and Massachusetts Senator Elizabeth Warren.

NIKKI HALEY

Hi Y’all.

Elizabeth Warren, IndianELIZABETH WARREN

Good morning, Paleface. Call me Running Bear.

JERRY

Running Bear?

WARREN

I took a DNA test and it turns out that I’m part Cherokee.

HALEY

I’m a real Indian.

JERRY

That’s because your parents are from India.

HALEY

C’mon, Jerry. Who looks like Pocahontas and who looks like an angry nun that just got kicked out of a convent?

JERRY

I don’t know what to believe. Okay, Haley. Who’s your favorite baseball team?

HALEY

Cleveland Indians.

JERRY

How about you, Warren?

WARREN

Atlanta Braves.

JERRY

Haley. Who’s your favorite football team?

HALEY

Kansas City Chiefs.

JERRY

Warren?

WARREN

Washington Redskins.

JERRY

Okay. For the title of The Real Indian and a free shopping trip to The Dollar Store.

JERRY

Warren. What kind of pets did you have growing up?

WARREN

I had a dog and two cats.

JERRY

Haley?

HALEY

A monkey and a snake.

JERRY

(bells go off and confetti falls on the set)

We have a winner! Congratulations, Ambassador Haley. You’re The Real Indian! Here’s a twenty dollar bill to shop at The Dollar Store. Courtesy of The Jerry Duncan Show.

HALEY

I will cherish this moment forever. Thank you, Jerry.

JERRY

Senator Warren. What are you doing to help Democrats win elections?

WARREN

I’m helping myself, Duncan. Going to run for president in 2020 against the Trumpster. I believe in consumer protection from banksters and Wall Street, Medicare for all, more money for public education and regulations on pollution to save the earth from global warming.

HALEY

What a bunch of malarkey! I believe in school choice, so rich kids can be subsidized by the American taxpayer. Do you have any idea what it’s like to be deprived of a second home? The problem is too many immigrant children are dumbing down our schools. It’s costing us billions and draining the Federal budget.

DUNCAN

Interesting that you’re worried about a budget. Considering you can’t manage your own household. $450,000 in mortgage and credit card debt. That’s why you’re leaving the UN in December, so you can make money in the private sector.

WARREN

Yeah, Haley. Why can’t you buy clothes at Goodwill like some of us?

HALEY

If it’s owned by Neiman Marcus, I’ll take that into consideration. For your information, debt means you had more fun than you were supposed to. Anyone who lives within his or her means suffers from a lack of imagination.

DUNCAN

The Senator is going to help bail you out, Haley. She’s gonna lower your taxes. You’ll finally be financially secure.

WARREN

Ambassador Haley. Remember the Chinese words “Dung on May Shu.”

HALEY

What does that mean?

WARREN

You stepped in deep doo-doo.

DUNCAN

Senator Warren is your last hope. But it will cost you.

HALEY

What do I need to do?

DUNCAN

You must give up your title of The Real Indian to Senator Warren. She needs it for her campaign.

HALEY

Are you messing with my head? That’s impossible.

DUNCAN

Impossible is lighting a match on a bar of soap. See you tomorrow everyone.

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Dean Kaner

Dean Kaner

Dean B. Kaner is a playwright and screenwriter, having co-produced and co-written plays for the stage with performances in New York City, Chicago, Minneapolis, Los Angeles, Boston, Detroit, Phoenix and Memphis.
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