Horoscopes for Jerks: December, 2018

What’s your sign? Check out your Funny Horoscope December 2018, and the outlook for all those jerks you know, right here!

What? You don’t even believe in astrology? No matter, it doesn’t believe in you! And you could be wrong. Just in case, here’s your Funny Horoscope December 2018. Be sure to share your friends’ snarky outlooks with them, too! (Check out past funny horoscopes here.) 

Zodiac_01-Aries Aries: Falalalalala Ram nuts…too bad you can’t give Mike Pence a pair for Christmas.
Zodiac_02-Taurus Taurus: Happy Holidays, Bulls! Fruitcakes might be bullshit gifts, but at least your immigrant ancestors weren’t kicked out of the country.
Zodiac_03-Gemini Gemini: Tis the season to share and remember all the times when you were a kid that you broke other kids’ hearts by telling them Santa was a big fake.
Zodiac_04-Cancer Cancer: While you, Trump, and every other overweight American is eating meals for 10 this Christmas season, don’t forget to make fudge. It goes well with pharmaceutical fascism.
Zodiac_05-Leo" Leo: This Christmas, don’t get upset you weren’t given five golden rings, and move away from the mistletoe at least once every four hours to avoid raw lips and excess gas.
Zodiac_06-Virgo" Virgo: Happy Hannakah! Even if you’re not Jewish, your sign is still a Virgin without immaculate conception.
Zodiac_07-Libra" Libra: Do not try to balance Christmas traditions in your household, else you’ll wind-up with a Pagan tree in the middle of your living room and waiting until September to celebrate the birth of Christ.
Zodiac_08-Scorpio Scorpio:  Merry Krishmas, but shhh… just because you know Krishna was born of a virgin in a manger and visited by three wise men thousands of years before Christ doesn’t mean anyone else wants to know.
Zodiac_09-Sag Sagittarius: Merry Consumerism! Just remember the twelve days of Christmas has nothing to do with shots of liquor either.
Zodiac_10-Cap Capricorn: Merry Christmas weird-eyed goats. Just forget your sign is a symbol of Satan/Santa.
Zodiac_11-Aquarius Aquarius: Merry Xmas, you politically correct Nazis.
Zodiac_12-Pisces Pisces: Happy Holy Days Fish people! As a symbol of Christ, give gifts in the spirit of smelling better.

zodiac, horoscope December 2018, signs

zodiac, horoscope December 2018, signs
Mosaic pavement of a 6th century synagogue at Beth Alpha, Jezreel Valley, northern Israel. It was discovered in 1928. Signs of the zodiac surround the central chariot of the Sun (a Greek motif), while the corners depict the 4 “turning points” (“tekufot”) of the year, solstices and equinoxes, each named for the month in which it occurs. Enjoy this Funny Horoscope December 2018, and please share!


Jennifer Hollie Bowles
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