[Disclaimer: This is a satirical news piece, just for fun, read at your own risk!]

Kim Jong-Un Says Trump is ‘Stalking’ Him, Demands Restraining Order

“Okay, so I wrote the old dotard a couple of nice letters once,” the North Korean leader admitted in his demand for a restraining order, “but I’m tired of his jealousy over me seeing other dictators, never mind his constant whining about not getting the Nobel Peace prize.”

HAGUE — North Korean strongman Kim Jong-Un announced at a press conference outside the International Court in Holland today that he was filing for a restraining order against temporary US President, Donald J Trump.

Restraining OrderTrump immediately freaked out and called Kim a traitor and “Little Rocket Man.”

“When I dumped Trump last June,” the Dear Leader explained, “the meongcheonghan olaedoen tadeu (stupid old dotard) flushed ten or fifteen times at least. He begged me not to do it.”

He laughed without moving his lips. Attending army officers tittered and then quickly grew silent.

“Then when we renewed testing,” Kim continued, “the old goat came sniffing around again like a yeol-e gae (dog in heat), begging for ‘just one more time,’ and ‘just another summit’ and more behind-closed-doors meetings.

“Every other day it was this phone call and that phone call, when can I see you, I’ve been missing you so much, I’m sure if we could just look into each other’s eyes we’d fall in love all over again, beulla beulla (blah blah).”

Kim added bitterly: “But I know he doesn’t really love me. I’m just another pussy (pussy) for him to grab (grab), just another sleazy international distraction, like Iran, from his main squeeze.”

“No, not Melania, you fool!” Kim snapped at a reporter who immediately apologized. “I mean Vladimir,  who else? Trump’s fascinated by his wealth and power, not to mention his bare chest. I suppose you realize they’re plotting to take over the world together, right? Well, you suckers will find out.

“As for the DRK, Donald wants us to dump all our missiles, grab himself a quick Nobel Prize and then send in his military like Hillary did in Libya after Ghadafi gave up his nukes.  I heard he’s already got Eric planning coastal resorts, and Ivanka’s working on Trump Tower Pyongyang.”

“However, none of it’s gonna happen!” Kim snorted cynically again, waving his new restraining order. “Trump’s gonna be the Harvey Weinstein of international politics, in fact he is already. Ya think the world is laughing at him now? Wait till we’re really divorced and I sue him for palimony!”

This time his entourage tittered safely back.

Michael Egan