[Disclaimer: This is a satirical news piece, just for fun, read at your own risk!]

A Legal Dream Team?

Right after hiring Alan Dershowitz and Kenneth Starr as his “Legal Dream Team” to defend him in the Senate impeachment trial, Trump has fired them in favor of more “TV-ready” lawyers.

Breaking News: In a surprising reversal, President Trump announced today that he had fired his “Legal Dream Team,” Alan Dershowitz, the Harvard law professor emeritus, and Kenneth W. Starr, the former U.S solicitor general best known for heading up the investigation of the Clinton Administration.

Legal Dream TeamThe move was completely unexpected since the president had just added them to his legal team this week. A person familiar with the situation remarked that the president had been looking for some high profile lawyers with name recognition who could effectively present his case to the senate and to the American public. Since the impeachment proceedings would be televised, he felt he needed TV-ready players and Dershowitz and Starr initially seemed well suited for that role.

However, Trump changed his mind shortly after meeting with the two lawyers in the Oval Office. The president announced that he had fired Dershowitz because he didn’t want him to be the face of his legal team. “Look at that face. Dershowitz looks like the crypt keeper,” he reportedly said.

Trump went on to declare that he was also firing Starr who he had decided just looked like a schmuck.

In a hastily called press conference, the president indicated that he would be replacing Dershowitz and Starr with legal experts with more star power. He was looking to obtain lawyers whose judicial accomplishments were so great that they had been documented in film.

“The Donald” then stunned reporters by mentioning that he had been in discussions with the fast talking defense attorney Fletcher Reede who he said had a reputation as ”an excellent liar, liar. I mean lawyer.” But Reede was ultimately rejected as Trump felt that Reede had issues with the truth. “He now tells it (the truth)” the president said. “As a matter of fact, he is sometimes incapable of lying, which is very unusual for a lawyer. I like people who don’t tell the truth, so I crossed him off the list of contenders.”

The commander-in-chief then said that he had also considered asking flamboyant fellow New Yorker Vinni Gambini, aka Jerry Gallo, aka Jerry Callo to join his legal group. “My good friend Judge Chamberlain Haller down in Alabama said that Mr. Gambini is one helluva lawyer, which is true. Vinni did an unbelievable job getting his cousin’s murder conviction dismissed”. But, the president ultimately dropped that idea too, when he discovered that Gambini, at only 5’4”, wouldn’t provide the TV image that was needed. However, Trump did say that he would consider retaining him if and when he shoots someone on Fifth Avenue.

The president then said that he has been eying the Harvard trained defense lawyer Elle Woods because “she’s in such good shape. Beautiful. She’s definitely a ten. And nobody has more respect for women than I do especially legally blonde ones that are really hot. She would look incredible on TV, believe me. And she seems to know a little about the law which might be useful.”

Trump then further shocked the press by exclaiming that the guy he really wants on his side as the impeachment trial begins is attorney Atticus Finch. “Finch got that guy off for killing a mockingbird,” the president said. “He won the case bigly and I like winners. I haven’t met him personally but people are saying a lot of good things about him. He is getting more and more recognition. I’ve noticed. And Atticus definitely looks the part.”

The president then closed the news conference by saying that he would finalize his legal team line-up this weekend after discussing the decision with his most trusted advisors, Rudy Giuliani and Vladimir Putin.

John C. Wade
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