[Disclaimer: This is a satirical news piece, just for fun, read at your own risk!]

NYC Unveils ‘Little Free Gun Safe’ in Effort to Curb Violence

With violence in the nation’s largest city out of control, de Blasio asks citizens to start packing, and offers help with the “Little Free Gun Safe.”

New York City Mayor Bill de Blasio dedicated the city’s first “Little Free Gun Safe” in an effort to curb rising gun violence, a troubling trend as of late.

Little Free Gun Safe“This is a great day for New York and a great day for democracy. I couldn’t be prouder of the work we have accomplished here this week. Gun violence is out of control in our fair city, and that ends now. I am pleased to present New York City’s very first Little Free Gun Safe,” Mayor de Blasio said in his speech, before cutting a yellow ribbon officially kicking off the pilot program, a first of its kind in the United States.

The program will work like the Little Free Library, as it will thrive on donations of guns from private citizens. As a show of faith in his new program, Mayor de Blasio donated a favorite from his personal arsenal, a Glock 19 9mm compact semi-automatic pistol. “That was really tuff, I love that smoke wagon,” the mayor said as a tear streamed down his face.

“Safety should not be a concern if you want to walk your dog or go for a jog. If you are like me and you sleep with your Remington 870 Express Pump-Action 12-gauge shotgun, you really start to wonder if you have enough firepower. It sure would be nice not to have to do that. Although I don’t know if I could fall asleep without it,” said New York governor Andrew Cuomo, who was on hand for the ceremony.

A spokesperson for the mayor said this will be a great way to build community. Neighbors helping neighbors, all getting to know each other a little better. They can work together building and decorating a Little Free Gun Safe and even make it unique to their own communities.”

Hank Williams Jr.’s ‘A Country Boy Can Survive’ blared over the loudspeakers during a post-ceremony reception while the mayor and city council members enthusiastically shot their guns in the air in celebration. However, it wasn’t loud enough to squelch anti-gun protesters located across the street, who finally got the best of Mayor de Blasio who took the mic one last time. “I’ll give you my gun when you pry it from my cold dead hands,” the mayor shouted.

Dave Richards

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