[Disclaimer: This is a satirical news piece, just for fun, read at your own risk!]

Contagious Coronavirus Victim Touring the USA in His Chevrolet

After calling others weak and lazy for hitting the airports, coronavirus victim says he’ll “Do it the hard way.”

ATLANTA — Just days after a Jet Blue passenger was banned from the airline for knowingly flying the friendly skies while contagious, another coronavirus victim is taking a different approach. After testing positive, Peter Johnson is making plans to tour the USA in his Chevrolet.

coronavirus victim
Photo by Jason Hunter, flickr.com.

“Spreading this by way of airports and cruise ships is taking the easy way out. And don’t even get me started on international flights, those are for the truly lazy,” Johnson said as he was getting ready to leave his Atlanta home. “I’m going to roll up my sleeves and do this the hard way. I will be shaking hands and kissing babies from here to LA.”

Johnson won’t be traveling alone either. He has hired three tractor-trailer drivers to follow him on his cross-country adventure. “Yep, we will be hitting every store in sight. I’m going to pack those trucks full of bottled water, just in case the earth runs out of water. Toilet paper, toothpaste, and cans of tuna are on the list too,” Johnson stated.

When asked whether he will be distributing his supplies to those who need them, he scoffed at the idea. “Heck no, it’s every man for himself. I’m going to be stocked up for 30 years. And those smelly truck drivers who will be following me are on their own.”

Dave Richards