(‘Unfit to print’ because it’s actually fake news.)
President Trump’s Surprise VP Pick
After presidential hopeful Joe Biden announced that he would be selecting a woman to be his running mate, President Trump said that he would love to tap a woman to run with him as he loves to tap women. But the idea was dropped after his advisors explained that, rather than run with him, most women want to run from him.
Then the president stunned reporters by revealing that he had decided to ask Kim Jong-Un to be his running mate. Trump explained that he was bored with Mike Pence (as is the rest of America) and, since he had insulted every other adult in America, he had to look overseas. Mr. Trump was quick to point out that Kim was a smart cookie and that they had fallen in love after exchanging beautiful letters. Trump followed up by remarking “and you just have to love his chubby cheeks.”
A senior campaign advisor later noted that having the portly North Korean tyrant with the funny hair on the ticket would take the focus away from Trump’s weight and hair style. He also declared that, with Kim as Vice President, Trump would no longer be the craziest man in Washington. The president admitted that he hadn’t looked at the constitutionality of putting the North Korean dictator on the ticket, nor had he even read the Constitution, but he was quite confident that it wouldn’t be a problem.
Kim’s response to the offer was “Death to America.”
E.U. Bans Americans
European Council President, Charles Michel announced today that he was calling for a total and complete shutdown of Americans entering the E.U. until the U.S. gets the coronavirus under control. “When America sends its people” he said, “they’re not sending us their healthiest. They’re bringing disease. They’re bringing the virus. And some I assume are good people who wear masks and practice social distancing.”
President Michel continued by saying that he “has a great relationship with Americans as you probably have heard. They like me and I like them.” He then warned that he was going to build a great, great wall along the E.U. border and that he would make America pay for it.
Stimulus for the Dead
According to the Government Accountability Office, The U.S. Treasury sent more than one million coronavirus stimulus payments totaling $1.4 billion to dead people (that’s actually true). Although, at first, it appeared to be an error, the president explained that it was no mistake. He had ordered the checks sent to the deceased noting that, “since they couldn’t take any with them when they died, they would appreciate getting the stimulus money now.” Trump didn’t hide the fact that the move was politically motivated. He noted that there are nearly two million dead people that are still registered to vote and many of them do vote, especially in Chicago. The president said that the dead are a demographic that he will do very well with in November stating “I have a great relationship with the dead. Some of my best friends are dead.” Trump later acknowledged that for these people, getting to the polls would be a challenge but we’ll see what happens.
Democratic leaders were furious and demanded that the checks be returned, but a lawyer for the departed said that they didn’t plan on returning the checks and if the Democrats wanted to get them back they would have to (you know what’s coming) pry the checks from their cold dead hands.
Upon hearing the news, the Zombie Defamation League, filed a lawsuit in Federal court claiming that Zombies were being unfairly discriminated against. The League insisted that It was unfair for the living and the dead to receive the stimulus money but not the undead.
Although these stories are fake news, you must admit that they really aren’t any crazier than the real news these days.