Criminal Denizen of the Planet Zardoc Confesses to Litany of Famous Earth Crimes

Many famous Earth crimes may now be solved via an inter-planetary confession!

Part of the continuing series, "Dispatches from SNN (Slobovian News Network)"

Flumox838x8, a living being denizen of the planet Zardoc has confessed to a litany of famous Earth Crimes. The information comes from law enforcement entities on the Planet Zardoc and was communicated to the Slobovian Secret Service.

famous Earth crimes
Photo by Brian McMahon,

According to the communication, Flumox838x8x was recently arrested on Zardoc for the relatively simple Zardocian crime of “Shaggin his auffers on public property.” Once in custody, Flumox began telling authorities that over the past centuries he had snuck off Zardoc and landed on the planet Earth to commit crimes. Once he landed on Earth, he disguised himself as an Earth being.

Zardocian police said that parts of this story are not believable. On Zardoc, Flumox stands 9 feet tall, has 3 eyes, 7 arms, 213 sex organs and no rectum. He would be 745 Earth years old. Assuming the guise of an earthling would be quite a feat. Zardocians also emit an intoxicating odor that his is a cross between human feces and Chanel No. 5.

Among the crimes that Flumox confessed to are:

In 1745 cutting down a cherry tree belonging to George Washington.

In April of 1865 shooting Abraham Lincoln at Ford’s Theatre because Lincoln wouldn’t remove his hat during the performance.

In 1912 he sunk the Titanic because it interrupted his ice bath.

In the early 1930’s he killed Bonnie and Clyde in a fit of road rage.

In August of 1962 he killed actress Marilyn Monroe. According to Flumox, he was dating Miss Monroe disguised as actor Clark Gable when she discovered his true identity while having sex. She called President John Kennedy and told him, so in November of 1963 he shot Kennedy.

In 1964, he stated, he wrote the song “Wild Thing.”

He also stated that over the years he’s killed Henry the Eighth, Pee Wee Herman and The Lone Ranger. He said that last year he created the coronavirus just to watch Earthlings sneeze.

Zardocian authorities stated that they had attempted to contact law enforcement agencies around the Earth to convey this information. The British told them to call James Bond and US President Donald Trump solicited a campaign contribution.

Flumox stated that he chose Earth because it is the only planet that practices murder.

“There is no murder on Venus, Mars, Jupiter or on Mufuh,” he stated.

Ted Holland