[Disclaimer: This is a satirical news piece, just for fun, read at your own risk!]

Santa Claus Named in Antitrust Lawsuit Filed by Ken Paxton

Texas Attorney General Ken Paxton has filed an antitrust lawsuit against Santa, charging him with operating a monopoly.

Santa Claus was targeted this week in an antitrust lawsuit that was filed by Texas Attorney General Ken Paxton that accuses Santa, aka, Kris Kringle, aka Saint Nicolas, aka Father Christmas with running a monopoly which brazenly abused its monopolistic power in an effort to drive other toy enterprises out of business.

Ken Paxton sues SantaA spokes-elf addressed the allegations saying that, although Kringle has delivered many Monopoly board games, he strongly denies that his organization engages in anti-competitive behavior and that it operates in a highly competitive toy market.

President Trump weighed in, saying that the North Pole uses low wage elf labor, which has caused the U. S. to lose thousands of high paying toy manufacturing jobs. “Santa Claus has been eating our lunch and it has to stop,” Trump declared. When asked by a reporter to respond to the president’s accusation, Santa laughed, which caused his belly to shake like a bowl full of jelly and said that the only thing he had been eating is cookies, lots and lots of cookies.

Trump went on to say that next week he will be imposing tariffs on all toys coming into the United States from the North Pole and that China would pay for the tariffs.

It is widely believed that Trump’s issue with Mr. Kringle began last week when it was disclosed in the failing New York Times that Mr. Trump was again on Saint Nicolas’ Naughty List while President-Elect Joe Biden was on the Nice List. Trump fumed that, “The lists were rigged, I should have been on the Nice List as no one is nicer than me. I have been BEST all year while Biden should be on the naughty list as he stole the election.” The president also exclaimed that Hunter Biden should be permanently assigned to the Naughty List.

Officials close to the president said that Trump was planning to issue Naughty List pardons to several of his political allies whom he assumed were also on the bad list including, Roger Stone, Rudy Giuliani, Stephen Miller and even Ken Paxton himself. However, Christmas scholars indicated that they didn’t believe the president had the power to issue such pardons. And they were certain that such a pardon wouldn’t apply to Stephen Miller as his name didn’t appear on either list since he is Jewish.

When asked to comment on the president’s planned pardons Father Christmas said, “Ho, Ho, Ho, I don’t think so.”

In an unrelated lawsuit filed in the Southern District of New York, Mr. Kringle was accused of being in violation of State and Federal Anti-Stalking laws for stalking millions of Americans this year. Stalking is the crime of illegally following and watching someone over time, and it applies even if the actions were taken to determine if the person (or persons) had been naughty or nice and deserving of toys or a lump of coal.

Prosecutors believed that they had a strong case against Mr. Claus as they were in possession of e-mails in which Kringle stated that he “sees them when they are sleeping, he knows when they’re awake and he knows if they’ve been bad or good.” They maintain that these e-mails clearly show that Mr. Claus or his minions, some of whom allegedly sat on the victims’ shelves, were guilty of invasion of privacy. Santa had no immediate comment on the allegations.

It was also announced yesterday that the American Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals (ASPCA) has filed an injunction to prevent Santa’s reindeer from flying his sleigh on Christmas Eve.

They are claiming that it is cruel to require these animals to pull his sleigh all over the world given Santa’s obesity and the fact that he will be carrying a sack of toys and coal that is reported to weigh sixty tons on takeoff. The injunction also noted that Rudolph, the one with the red nose, is now 81 years old and too elderly to make the trip anymore.

And finally, it seems that Father Christmas has run afoul of the Federal Aviation Administration (FAA). A spokesperson for the FAA, who agreed to speak on the condition of anonymity, said Santa’s Christmas Eve flight is expected to be approximately eighteen hours long but FAA rules clearly state that no crew member, whether human or reindeer, may fly more than eight hours between required rest periods. Therefore, Santa’s trip will no longer be allowed to be completed in one night.

To make matters worse, the FAA spokesperson also announced that the agency has opened an investigation into Rudolph after it was reported that NORAD, which tracks Santa’s route every year, noted the sleigh’s erratic flight pattern last year. Rudolph, who guided the sleigh then as he often does on foggy nights, has a very shiny red nose that was said to glow leading some within the FAA to suspect that he may have a drinking problem.

Santa has declared that his lawyers, led by elf-Rudy and elf-Sidney, will strongly defend the North Pole against these baseless accusations by Ken Paxton. A flustered Father Christmas went on to say, “I don’t want a lot for Christmas. There is just one thing I need. I just need these issues dropped more than you could ever know. So, to the prosecutors and investigators, I say, please make my wish come true.”

We’ll see what happens.

Happy Holidays. Stay safe and for God’s sake stay on the Nice List!

JC Wade
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