All I Want for Christmas

If I were a better person then I’d probably ask for world peace for Christmas.

If I were a better person then I’d probably ask for world peace or at least an effective COVID-19 vaccine for everyone for Christmas. But I’m not and that’s why my seasonal wish list instead includes lots of Trump-related items.

for christmasFirst of all, I’d like to prematurely thank Santa for already bringing me my biggest and best present: a Trump loss in this year’s presidential election. I wouldn’t have minded an out-and-out landslide and a few more Democratic Senate wins but I’ll take what I can get.

Speaking of elections, I’m hoping the big guy can bring me two special post-Christmas packages, namely wins in both Senate seat runoffs in Georgia. And if that’s not possible, maybe he can dole out a prison sentence for one or more of the Republican rogues’ gallery of Mitch McConnell, Lindsey Graham and Ted Cruz.

Also on the election front, I thank Santa for the Wisconsin recount which upped Joe Biden’s winning margin by 87 and cost the Trump campaign $3 million. I sure wouldn’t mind if election officials in other battleground states located hundreds of bags of missing votes primarily favoring Biden.

My next favorite item is a Trump perp walk. I know it might take a while but I’m prepared to wait for whatever legal steps are required to see The Donald frogmarched out of his Mar-a-Lago property and into the nearest penal institution.

It may sound a little greedy but I’d really like to see the whole Trump crime family charged and convicted. That means everyone from Don, Jr. to Eric to Ivanka to Jared would leave the White House and take up residence in the big house.

If Trump is convicted of one or more offenses, I’d love to see him sent to jail. But if that’s not likely, I’m asking for a more traditional American punishment such as meted out in Nathaniel Hawthorne’s novel The Scarlet Letter. Rather than a scarlet “A” for adultery, however, I’d like to see Trump wear a scarlet “L” for loser.

Speaking of creative sanctions, maybe some ingenious judge could impose a truly painful punishment on the ex-President. For example, Trump could be sentenced to repeat listenings of Barack Obama’s audiobook A Promised Land. Or he might have his cable television viewing restricted to MSNBC.

I suspect I’m not alone in the next item on my Christmas wish list: canceling Donald Trump’s Twitter account. Depriving The Donald of his hourly tweets would be even more effective than the public humiliation of stocks and pillory although, come to think of it, that would be nice, too.

If Santa has time, I’d also like to get a few stocking stuffers. Nothing big mind you but sometimes the smaller gifts are the most satisfying. I’m thinking of Trump’s tax returns being released, maybe a few defaults on his huge outstanding loans or possibly Melania filing for divorce.

Finally, here’s hoping Santa can see his way clear to bankrupting Donald Trump’s many golf courses. And while he’s at it, maybe he could get the United States Golf Association to rescind Trump’s phoney 2.8 handicap and instead award him their prestigious Cheater of the Century award.

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