Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to
The news doesn’t need to be complicated and confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon:
Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:
Christopher Walken has never owned a computer or cellphone or sent an email
Maybe if they had more cowbells?
The 21 Club has told its 148 employees it has ceased operations indefinitely and they will be terminated March 9 of next year
NYers now will have nowhere to get a 112-dollar hamburger and fries…
Arizona and Michigan state legislatures shut down due to lawmakers’ exposure to Rudy Giuliani
Man, he screwed these people like they were his cousin.
Tom Brady’s business gets nearly $1 million PPP loan
… while Jay Cutler’s application was picked off and run back for a touchdown.
Trump argues FOX News committed “media suicide” by calling the election for Biden
Look for him on ‘FOX and We Used to be Friends.’
Mayor Pete named Secretary of Transportation by President-Elect Biden
Proving gay people no longer belong in the closet, they belong in the cabinet. Well played.
Trump’s 1 – 56 in court cases
It’s like his lawyers play for the Mets.
Joel Osteen slammed for pocketing $4.4 million in COVID relief funds and lying about it
Hmmm, so there isn’t a Biblical Passage COVID 1:9?
Keith Richards. Happy Birthday today 77
Dude, doesn’t look a day over 146!
Joe Biden wins again as Electoral College confirms his victory over Donald Trump
Biden’s won so often it’s like he is now the 46th, 47th, and 48th Presidents of the United States.
Master Spy Novelist John Le Carre died at 97
… or, did he?
Op-Ed urging Jill Biden to drop the ‘Dr.’ sparks outrage online
People complaining about Jill Biden using Dr. Jill Biden, gotta think Dr. Martin Luther King could do one helluva appendectomy.
Falwell Jr. drops defamation lawsuit against Liberty University
Looks like they f$%ked him, but let him sit in the corner and watch. Win. Win.
DOJ investigating potential White House ‘bribery-for-pardon’ scheme…
.. it’s like Trump went from “Celebrity Apprentice” to ‘Plea Deal or No Plea Deal!’ …