Vladimir Putin reveals his fetishes as Jiminy Cicadas listens-in & reports back to Joe Biden!
PART 3: The Finale
Taking notes per President Biden’s orders, Jiminy Cicadas hides in President Putin’s pocket after the Geneva Summit & discovers how Vladimir really feels about his adversary.
Jiminy takes notes as Vladimir & his Comrade, Igor dish.
IGOR
Well Vlad, what do you think of him?
PUTIN (eyes roll around)
Hubba Hubba!
IGOR
What is that?
PUTIN
I heard it in a 1940’s B-Movie! I take shirt off now!
IGOR
You have hot flash or Biden turns you on?
PUTIN (fanning himself)
He wants to see me in 3 to 6 months – I’m getting the vapors!
IGOR
No, he wants to see if you’ll comply with the Cyber attacks, Election meddling & poisoning people.
PUTIN LAUGHS MANICALLY.
PUTIN
No, he said – the proof is in the…we’re gonna have Pudding!
IGOR
You’re smitten!
PUTIN
He doesn’t miss a thing…my hair, my eyes – he says I have a killer smile!
IGOR
That is not a compliment, Sir.
PUTIN
I don’t care – Trump just went along!
IGOR
And, that’s bad?
PUTIN
Yes, in Helsinki I wanted him to turn me in!
IGOR
Yeah, it did look like he drank your bath water!
PUTIN (twirls)
But, Biden completes me!
IGOR
Snap out of it – you’re the leader of an unfree world!
IGOR
What about your soul, Sir?
PUTIN
You have one – we’ll share! Ha ha
PUTIN
He makes me feel like being a better man & we have a Safe Word!
IGOR
Oh really – what is that word, Sir?
PUTIN
Psychopath or…Cutie Pie – I forget!
PUTIN
Doesn’t matter – he said he did what he came to do & that turns me on! It’s ‘Tough Love’ – he stands up to me!
IGOR
You mean Flogging, Hair Pulling & Ticklers?
PUTIN
No, he wouldn’t give me a Tic Tac!
IGOR
No Hot Wax, Ice Cubes or Leather Straps?
PUTIN
No, he pulled my chair from under me!
IGOR
What about your Shoe Fetish?
PUTIN
He tied them!
IGOR
What about your ‘Whataboutism’ shtick?
PUTIN
Didn’t get to it – he hit me with one of his father’s old sayings & my eyes glazed over!
IGOR
How about the ‘Pee Pee Twins’, Easy & Peasy – were they available?
PUTIN
They were, but they didn’t have to go!
I’m sorry!
IGOR
Did you at least offer him Blinis, Babka or Borsht?
PUTIN
All I can say is – Biden’s kinkier than what Americans think…he puts Sour Cream on everything!
**P.S. Don’t worry folks, you can relax – I won’t be writing any more Cicada articles for 17 more years!
Well, not unless you really want to find out who Jiminy bonked on his 1st Mating Season!
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