Ripping the Headlines Today - Paul Lander, Humor Times

Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to

The news, even that about Hurricane Ida, doesn’t need to be complicated and confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon:

Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:

Al Roker pummeled by waves as Hurricane Ida targets New Orleans

Hey, Al Roker. It’s called Hurricane Ida because it’s short for “Ida Get The F%*k Outta Here If I Were You.”

‘You are not a horse’: FDA tells Americans stop taking dewormer for Covid

Also, drug side effects include stomping your foot to answer the question, “how old are you?”

Barry Manilow was cut off mid-song when NYC concert was evacuated

… for those left wondering, he writes the songs …

NRA pulled the plug on the Texas event amid surging coronavirus cases

Because the only way to stop a bad virus is with a good travel agent to cancel reservations.

Andrew Cuomo in online doghouse after exiting NY Governor’s Mansion without his dog Captain

In fairness, Cuomo probably wants to avoid the chance of any kind of petting.

There’s a python on the loose in the Mall of Louisiana

If it has a silly walk, it’s probably John Cleese or Eric Idle.

Matt Gaetz married over the weekend

Wonder how much it cost … not the wedding but the bride.

Larry David was ‘relieved’ to be cut from Barack Obama’s birthday party guest list

So, in other words, he threw Obama to the “Curb with Enthusiasm.”

Texas Governor Greg Abbott threatens to pull liquor licenses from establishments that require proof of vaccination

If he does that with barbecue sauce, he’s toast!

Parent attacks teacher after mask dispute on first day of school, official says

See what happens when two people wear the same outfit to the same event?

Clarence Thomas says federal laws against marijuana may no longer be necessary

For those who’ve asked what’s this guy smoking? Now, you know.

Fox News blamed Jill Biden for Afghanistan

At least, until they can find a way to blame a black girl in a leotard.

U2 Guitarist The Edge turns 60

Now the thing he still hasn’t found that he’s looking for are the pair of reader glasses on his head.

Roger Stone claims Steve Bannon blackmailed Trump to receive his pardon

… this sounds like an episode for Trump’s next show called ‘The Evil Sorcerer’s Apprentice” …

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Paul Lander

Paul Lander is not sure which he is proudest of -- winning the Noble Peace Prize or sending Congolese gynecologist Dr. Denis Mukwege to accept it on his behalf, bringing to light the plight of African women in war-torn countries. In his non-daydreaming hours, Paul has written for Weekly Humorist, National Lampoon, American Bystander, Huff Post Comedy, McSweeney's, Bombeck Writers Workshop Blog and the Humor Times, written and/or produced for multiple TV shows and written standup material that's been performed on Maher, The Daily Show, Colbert, Kimmel, etc. Now, on to Paul's time-commanding Special Forces in Khandahar… (See all of Paul's "Ripping the Headlines Today" columns here.)