[Disclaimer: This is a satirical news piece, just for fun, read at your own risk!]

Former President Trump to Offer Free Poverty Management Advice to All Americans

Dispatches from SNN (Slobovian News Network)

Donald Trump says his “Poverty Management” advice will help Americans survive the Biden years.

Former president Donald Trump recently stated that he is gravely concerned about the financial future of the average American citizen, saying that between the gigantic leap in inflation on goods and services and the impending high tax increases from the Biden Administration, the average person will have no money left. For this reason, he says, he’s offering his “Poverty Management” program.

poverty management
Trump, expert at having no money but pretending he does, offers Poverty Management advice.

Trump said that his multi-billionaire friends can barely get by as it is, having made only $1.8 trillion (with a ‘t’) since the start of the pandemic. Still, he says, “The greedy Dems want to increase income taxes on those making more than $400,000 a year! Luckily, that won’t affect my billionaire buddies.” He’s referring to people like Jeff Bezos, whose reported salary from Amazon was just $81,840 last year. “Thank goodness cash-strapped guys like Bezos manage to scrape up about $150,000 every minute from his Amazon stocks. And I don’t even like Bezos, but you get how hard it is on us rich guys.”

He went on, “By next year there will be no more middle class, and even rich folks like me will be taxed into poverty! So I am forming the The American Poverty Management Foundation. The foundation will offer guidance on how to survive with little or no money.”

The Foundation will be headed up by former Slobovian finance minister Dr. Pott Tu Pissen.

According to Dr. Pissen, with the Biden administration implementing trillions and trillions of dollars of spending on infrastructure, environment, free kindergarten, free college, etc, the average American will be taxed in the 98 percent range. A man making $400,000 a year will pay $392,000 in taxes.

Dr. Pissen stated that the most frightening tax would be the rumored National Bankruptcy Tax in which Americans will have to figure how much money they don’t have and then send the IRS a check for 30 percent of that amount.

Poverty Management will work on the same principles as Wealth Management except with no money: setting goals, diversification and risk management.

Under the program, a person would set a goal such as “pay my rent.” Risk management would deal with the possibility that if you pay rent, you might not eat for two weeks.

An example of diversification would be: say this week you buy Pinto beans and next week you buy Navy beans, since most of the country will be eating beans. The program suggests that you join The National Fatback Registry, The Hamhock of the Week Club or The Hogmaw of the Month Club.

Dr. Pissen also stated that the Foundation will suggest that most Americans sell their houses, condos, etc, and move into low rent “comodiums.” A comodium is basically a bathroom with a stove and a bed.

Ted Holland