“I wanna writhe under Jen Psaki and the lash of her tongue every night,” Doocy moans excitedly. “She so puts the ‘pis’ in Psaki!”
WASHINGTON DC — Fox News laughing-stock Peter Doocy and White House Press Secretary Jen Psaki announced their engagement today to a jeering crowd of fellow journalists.
Doocy’s proposal took the form of a question at the conclusion of Psaki’s daily press briefing.
“I, er um,” he mumbled, in his embarrassingly unprofessional way, staring red-faced at his notes. “And, er, um, given the, erm, circumstances, would you at least consider, you know, er um, marrying me?”
To no one’s surprise, Psaki responded with a derisive laugh and her famous withering stare.
“First of all,” she sneered, “I wouldn’t describe any long term socio-sexual relationship with you a “marriage,” you pathetic little worm. At best, it would be an immediate pending divorce. So, okay for now, but maybe I’ll circle back to it later.”
“Does that mean yes?” Doocy wept. He jumped up. “Oh, Jenital,” he cried, apparently using a pet name for her, “you’ve made me the most miserable man alive!”
He fell back in his chair, eyes closed, sobbing. “Tell me I’m a worm again,” he panted, tightly clutching his red ball-point pen.
“Worm? You’re not even worth the Ivermectin!” Psaki scoffed. She added to the amazement of the jaw-dropped journalists scribbling in their notebooks: “You can print that we’re engaged but not when the marriage will be.”
Turning back to the flushed Doocy, who was cleaning up his spilled ink, she continued: “Because that will only happen after Mr Little Dick here admits Trump lost the election, that he cried for his Mommy when he got vaccinated, and that he and Tucker Carlson once shared an intimate moment in a Fox News supply closet.”
Doocy, who had fallen to the floor, convulsed in shame, tears and what appeared to be orgasmic pleasure.
“Oh, my God, Jender Bender,” he moaned, “just don’t tell them how Roger Ailes made me show him my tighty-whities in his office once.”
Psaki grinned again. “Not this time,” she said sweetly, “but maybe tomorrow. You can fondle yourself about it all night.”
The Press Secretary swept out as a shuddering Doocy was helped to the door by Fox News staff. “Oh my God,” he sobbed, “isn’t her verbal sadism just better than any Cialis?”