[Disclaimer: This is a satirical news piece, just for fun, read at your own risk!]

Plot Uncovered: Otherworldly Mafia Plans to Relocate to America

The Slobovian Secret Service has uncovered a plot by a mafia outfit from the planet Zardoc, which sees America as an easy target.

Dispatches from SNN (Slobovian News Network)

“America is the perfect place to get away with murder.” — Zardocian Mafia Godfather.

According to Slobovian Secret Service agents currently working undercover on the outlaw planet Zardoc, the above quote can be attributed to Ratatangatangtang, Godfather of the Zardocian mob.

Otherworldly Mafia
Artist’s conception of Ratatangatangtang, Godfather of the Zardocian mob. (Photo by Erik Mclean on Unsplash hat and ground added.)

Secret service operatives have infiltrated the mob by disguising themselves as earth black market toilet paper hoarders, and have uncovered a plot for the mob to relocate it’s base of operations to America.

The Godfather continued to explain to his minions that, “In this ‘America,’ there’s a mass murder every thirty seconds and they are defunding the cops, some towns are getting rid of police all together. In New York, they’re decarcerating criminals that we can hire. This place is a hitman’s paradise!”

In order for the Zardocian mobsters to fit in on earth, they are watching old Humphrey Bogart and James Cagney films, as well as reruns of TV shows like The Untouchables. Ratatangatangtang personally boasted that he’s seen Cagney’s White Heat 534 times and has learned to say things like “Top of The world, ma’am,” “I’ll make him an offer he can’t refuse,” and “You talking to me?”

In order to fit into earthlings’ midst, the Zardocians will have to undergo several anatomy modifications, including having seven of their eyes removed and 231 of their sex organs neutered.

Ted Holland