A global coffee shortage has sparked a panic this week among those who are dependent on their morning lift.
A coffee shortage has sparked a nationwide panic this week, with masses of sleepy, annoyed people looting Starbucks, Biggby and Duncan Donuts establishments.
Grocery store shelves have also been plundered clean. “They even took the Sanka?” asked one bewildered employee.
As people ran up and down the aisles screaming at one store, a hipster was asked if he wasn’t worried about contracting Covid. He replied, “Covid? Get real man! This is serious!”
Further investigation revealed the nightmarish scenario; the Colombian government has issued an embargo on coffee exports to the U.S. due to the unconscionable treatment of its citizens at the border.
Reported by FOX News, this revelation has led to an influx of exhausted Trump-supporters being exuberantly affectionate towards Mexicans, Filipinos and white people leaving tanning salons.
When asked how Americans would survive during this coffee shortage, an impoverished Colombian coffee-picker who had been denied asylum tilted his head back, laughed maniacally and suggested, “Let them drink Coke!”