Wherein our intrepid talk radio show host interviews Russian President Vladimir Putin and U.S. President Joe Biden.
ANNOUNCER
Live from under a rock in your backyard, it’s The Jerry Duncan Show.
JERRY DUNCAN
Good morning listeners nationwide. Is it a good morning? Not really. Today on the show my guests are Russian President Vladimir Putin and U.S. President Joe Biden.
U.S. PRESIDENT JOE BIDEN
If Russia invades Ukraine, the United States and our European allies will put crippling sanctions on you, shorty.
RUSSIAN PRESIDENT VLADIMIR PUTIN
If you do that then I rig 2024 election, so Trump win. Just like I did in 2016.
BIDEN
He’s evil, Jerry. Pure evil. Vlad poisoned his political opponent Alexei Navalny. He almost died.
PUTIN
This complete nonsense, Duncanova. I never consider anyone opponent.
JERRY
The situation on the Ukrainian border is serious. There are 150,000 Russian troops already deployed and Moscow sent forces to Belarus which borders Ukraine. What are you doing about it, Joe?
BIDEN
Not sure, but I smell a rat. If I don’t do something, there won’t be any more Chicken Kiev at restaurants. That stuff is good, man. Ever try it?
JERRY
No.
BIDEN
Here’s the deal. Chicken fillet pounded and rolled in cold butter. Then coated with eggs and bread crumbs.
PUTIN
You make me hungry, Joe. Good thing I join Ukrainian dating site. Now I have chick in Kiev.
JERRY
The Russians have a Nord Steam 2 pipeline that delivers natural gas to Germany. Why not sanction them?
BIDEN
Not in the cards. My wife shops at Nordstrom. We’re members of the Nordy Club. In fact, I’m wearing cashmere blend socks that I bought on sale.
PUTIN
Very nice. I used to stuff sock in mouth of enemy when I was KGB.
JERRY
Putin. You want to restore the old Soviet Union. Conquer Ukraine and Eastern Europe. Democracies will crumble.
PUTIN
As American say, “That’s the way cookie crumble.”
JERRY
Your economy is the same as Italy. What a joke!
PUTIN
Reason I need countries to occupy. Steal natural resources.
BIDEN
Vlad. Do you know what is 150 yards wide and eats potatoes?
PUTIN
Chris Christie?
BIDEN
No. Moscow citizens waiting to buy meat. Listen, pal. The more you bully your neighbors, the more they will turn to the West for protection. If it’s attention you want, you got it. Now send the troops home.
JERRY
That’s telling him.
BIDEN
All of those 15 troops. I mean 150 troops. Shucks. I mean 150,000 troops.
PUTIN
Let’s make deal.
BIDEN
What do you propose?
PUTIN
I take Ukraine and Trump.
BIDEN
Not enough. You need to take in more crooks.
PUTIN
Okay. How about Rudy, Ivana, Jared, Don Jr, and Eric? Have room in Siberia.
JERRY
Now you’re talking turkey.
PUTIN
I take Turkey, too. What you say, Joe?
BIDEN
Sounds interesting, but I need to call my Veep Camel, I mean Corolla. Hell, Ms. Harris. Excuse me.
JERRY
You’re excused. Use the toilet while you’re out. I think you had baked beans for lunch.
PUTIN
I need natural gas. Don’t waste.
JERRY
Hey, Putty. You’ve been around a long time.
PUTIN
23 years president of Russia.
JERRY
For a dictator, you pretend to be a nice guy. So why do you think people hate North Korean dictator Kim Jong-un?
PUTIN
He have no Seoul, Duncanova.
JERRY
Joe is back. Well?
BIDEN
No deal. I tried to negotiate with Senators Sinema and Manchin. I don’t need to talk to another psycho.
JERRY
See you tomorrow.
The Jerry Duncan Show
(c) Dean B. Kaner
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