The Jerry Duncan Show Interviews Presidents Vladimir Putin and Joe Biden

Wherein our intrepid talk radio show host interviews Russian President Vladimir Putin and U.S. President Joe Biden.

ANNOUNCER

Live from under a rock in your backyard, it’s The Jerry Duncan Show.

JERRY DUNCAN

Good morning listeners nationwide.  Is it a good morning? Not really. Today on the show my guests are Russian President Vladimir Putin and U.S. President Joe Biden.

U.S. PRESIDENT JOE BIDEN

If Russia invades Ukraine, the United States and our European allies will put crippling sanctions on you, shorty.

President Vladimir Putin DonkeyHotey
Russian President Vladimir Putin. Caricature by DonkeyHotey, flickr.com

RUSSIAN PRESIDENT VLADIMIR PUTIN

If you do that then I rig 2024 election, so Trump win. Just like I did in 2016.

BIDEN

He’s evil, Jerry. Pure evil. Vlad poisoned his political opponent Alexei Navalny. He almost died.

PUTIN

This complete nonsense, Duncanova. I never consider anyone opponent.

JERRY

The situation on the Ukrainian border is serious. There are 150,000 Russian troops already deployed and Moscow sent forces to Belarus which borders Ukraine. What are you doing about it, Joe?

BIDEN

Not sure, but I smell a rat. If I don’t do something, there won’t be any more Chicken Kiev at restaurants. That stuff is good, man. Ever try it?

JERRY

No.

BIDEN

Here’s the deal. Chicken fillet pounded and rolled in cold butter. Then coated with eggs and bread crumbs.

PUTIN

You make me hungry, Joe. Good thing I join Ukrainian dating site. Now I have chick in Kiev.

JERRY

The Russians have a Nord Steam 2 pipeline that delivers natural gas to Germany. Why not sanction them?

BIDEN

Not in the cards. My wife shops at Nordstrom. We’re members of the Nordy Club. In fact, I’m wearing cashmere blend socks that I bought on sale.

PUTIN

Very nice. I used to stuff sock in mouth of enemy when I was KGB.

JERRY

Putin. You want to restore the old Soviet Union. Conquer Ukraine and Eastern Europe. Democracies will crumble.

PUTIN

As American say, “That’s the way cookie crumble.”

JERRY

Your economy is the same as Italy. What a joke!

PUTIN

Reason I need countries to occupy. Steal natural resources.

BIDEN

Vlad. Do you know what is 150 yards wide and eats potatoes?

PUTIN

Chris Christie?

BIDEN

No. Moscow citizens waiting to buy meat. Listen, pal. The more you bully your neighbors, the more they will turn to the West for protection. If it’s attention you want, you got it. Now send the troops home.

JERRY

That’s telling him.

BIDEN

All of those 15 troops. I mean 150 troops. Shucks. I mean 150,000 troops.

PUTIN

Let’s make deal.

BIDEN

What do you propose?

PUTIN

I take Ukraine and Trump.

BIDEN

Not enough. You need to take in more crooks.

PUTIN

Okay. How about Rudy, Ivana, Jared, Don Jr, and Eric? Have room in Siberia.

JERRY

Now you’re talking turkey.

PUTIN

I take Turkey, too. What you say, Joe?

BIDEN

Sounds interesting, but I need to call my Veep Camel, I mean Corolla. Hell, Ms. Harris. Excuse me.

JERRY

You’re excused. Use the toilet while you’re out. I think you had baked beans for lunch.

PUTIN

I need natural gas. Don’t waste.

JERRY

Hey, Putty. You’ve been around a long time.

PUTIN

23 years president of Russia.

JERRY

For a dictator, you pretend to be a nice guy. So why do you think people hate North Korean dictator Kim Jong-un?

PUTIN

He have no Seoul, Duncanova.

JERRY

Joe is back. Well?

BIDEN

No deal. I tried to negotiate with Senators Sinema and Manchin. I don’t need to talk to another psycho.

JERRY

See you tomorrow.

 

The Jerry Duncan Show
(c) Dean B. Kaner

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