[Disclaimer: This is a satirical news piece, just for fun, read at your own risk!]

Endorsing a Wizard

Donald Trump is officially endorsing a wizard for the Senate, saying that he believes in Dr. Oz “because of all the wonderful things he does.”

Late last week, in a hastily convened news conference, former president Donald Trump endorsed Dr. Oz who is running for the U.S Senate in Pennsylvania. Trump said that he is endorsing a wizard because Oz had done an unbelievable job as the mayor of Emerald City, but he didn’t believe he was in Kansas anymore. Trump then exclaimed that, “As head of the Republican Party I must aver. I thoroughly examined Oz and he’s not only merely running, he’s really most sincerely running.”

endorsing a wizard
Dr. Oz, showing the size of his brain, which explains why he needs a new one. Image by David Berkowitz, CC BY 2.0.

Trump then added that Oz is more qualified than the other six losers that are seeking the Republican nomination and added that “A lot of people are saying that Dr. Oz is like a wizard and that if ever oh ever a wiz there was Oz is one because, because, because of all the wonderful things he does. Quite frankly it’s unbelievable.”

The former president went on to mention that Dr. Oz has a Doctorate in Thinkology from the Universitatus Committeatum E Pluribus Unum where he studied under Professor Albus Dumbledore and Professor McGonagall, so he is a very stable genius like himself. And he praised Oz for his organizing of the successful witch hunt where the Wicked Witch of the West was liquidated, which the former president said was “very resourceful, that I can tell you.”

Trump followed up by saying that the other candidates could all use a brain as they were victims of disorganized thinking. He pointed out that in his opinion “one candidate was a clinking, clanking, clattering collection of caliginous junk,” while another was nothing but “a bellowing bale of bovine fodder” and the others ”lacked heart or courage.”

Dr. Oz then stepped up to the microphone and thanked the former president, saying, “I thank you very sweetly for endorsing me so neatly, I’m honored so completely that I thank you very sweetly.” Dr. Oz then proclaimed, “I do believe in Trump, I do believe in Trump. I do, I do, I do.”

He continued by declaring that he didn’t know what makes a Hottentot so hot or what puts the ape in ape-ricot, but does know that he has what his opponents want, and that’s a Trump endorsement. He concluded by clicking his heals together and saying, “There’s no place like the Senate, there’s no place like the Senate.”

Dr. Oz is expected to win the Republican primary in May as he has also been endorsed by several unions, including the Lullaby League and the Lollypop Guild.

JC Wade
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