[Disclaimer: This article is satire, or what we used to call "fake news" before actual fake news started poisoning the political discourse!]
Following Kim Kardashian’s example, politicians around the country rush to bare their ‘assets,’ too
WASHINGTON, DC — Following Kim Kardashian’s successful “Break the Internet” baring of her remarkable derriere on the cover of Paper magazine, celebrities and politicians alike are hurrying to hop onto the ass-baring bandwagon.
First aboard was President “Obuma,” who slowly lowered his pants before the entire Republican congress and its Tea Party wing. “I think you get my drift,” he smiled through his legs, all the way from China.
“Don’t forget, full moon is December 21,” he added, with a wink to the undocumented, who cheered faintly. They weren’t quite sure what he meant, but it sounded promising.
Mary Landrieu unhesitatingly clambered on board, outraging the entire Democratic left and environmentalists everywhere, as she shamelessly exposed herself for what she really is.
“Yeah, well you don’t have to win an election,” she obscenely mooned, rushing the XL pipeline’s approval through the Senate.
“You can’t see the wires,” Landrieu remarked of the cords binding her to the Kochs and the oil companies, “but you can tell they’re there by the way I jerk around.”
She then mouthed the word “sorry” to her dwindling supporters and groveled to the money interests even more.
In Ferguson, Missouri, city authorities were preparing for a giant mooning of the entire world, in anticipation of the exoneration of Officer Darren Wilson in the murder of unarmed teenager Michael Brown.
The televised display will be backed up by tear gas, armored vehicles, dogs, rubber bullets and widespread arrests.
“Violence will not be tolerated,” said the Governor, “except by police.”
John Boehner also ruthlessly bared his ass, at the full Democratic caucus. “Check it out,” he sneered, “because this is what a hundred-year majority looks like.” Observers noted that apparently Boehner only sprays his face orange.
The Speaker of the House and President Obama then momentarily faced off, mooning each other furiously.
“We’ll just see who’s the bigger ass,” Boehner threateningly muttered as they moved away together, cheek to cheek.
The conservative 5-4 majority on the U.S. Supreme Court mooned the entire American people and the Constitution, in unison. “And we will continue doing so, as true jurisprudence demands,” said Justice Antonin Scalia. “Just you wait and see.”
“Yes, just you wait and see,” chorused Clarence Thomas, who has been mooning the American left ever since his affirmative-action appointment in 1991.
Harry Reid and Mitch McConnell sat in a corner together mooning one another in rapid succession, but no one paid much attention to them.
Ed. note: I’m sure the author could go on and on with more examples of politicians, pundits and celebrities jumping onto “the ass-baring bandwagon,” but we’re interested in seeing what you can add! Go ahead, fire away, in the comments below. And please share this article. Thanks!
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