[Disclaimer: This article is satire, or what we used to call "fake news" before actual fake news started poisoning the political discourse!]
‘Let the biggest dick win,’ said Trump. ‘Which of course would be me. I am the greatest, most classiest dick of all time.’
NEW YORK – Donald Trump announced today that he was challenging his fellow presidential candidates to a ‘Biggest Dick” contest before the next debate. He added that the winner should be immediately declared the Republican Party’s nominee.
“Of course I’ll win,” the tousle-haired loudmouth boomed with his characteristic modesty.
“Old Tom Jones, here,” he smirked, gesturing at his crotch, “is a world-class, plastic-surgeon guaranteed, gold-and-diamond encrusted weapon of mass destruction with the words ‘Trump Tower’ engraved on it in red, green and yellow neon lights all along the shaft.”
“However the real classy touch,” the ballsy billionaire went on, “is that the words slowly reveal themselves letter by letter as the erection increases – which I made the Chinese pay for!
”And when it finally gets there, the neon lights flash on and off, my balls peal ‘It’s Springtime for Hitler and Germany,’ and smoke comes outa my ass. Also, the only reason my wives divorced me was because I wanted them to.”
Some of the other candidates were quick to accept the challenge. Ted Cruz insisted, however, that “just so that there are no arguments afterwards,” the exact location of the start and finish points of the measurements should be legally established.
“Under shaft or upper shaft?” he said. “There’s a difference. And what about foreskins? Rolled or unrolled?”
After being told about Donald Trump’s entry, Sen. Cruz said he would unpeal every single word of it. Furthermore, he was already at work lengthening his own phallic symbol by wrapping bacon around it.
“Would you like some? It’s kinda warm and salty,” he added, grinning as he began to unzip.
Chris Christie said regretfully that he might not participate. “If the prize went to the biggest asshole, of course I’d stay in,” he said. “But everyone knows fat guys have small dicks.”
He added: “God knows I can barely get my condoms to stay on when I’m using contraceptives, and I am being a bad, bad Catholic boy. Am I a bad, bad Catholic boy? I am, a very bad, bad Catholic boy.”
Lindsey Graham looked up from licking Ted Cruz’s uncooked bacon and said that he would gladly spank Christie for being a bad, bad boy, Catholic or otherwise.
“I’ll make him squeal like a little pig,” Graham said, blue eyes twinkling.
Rick Santorum and Mike Huckabee immediately ruled themselves out, on the grounds of Christian prudery, “although,” Huckabee added after a moment, “I might be willing if my measurements could be taken in the girls’ shower room and maybe with Josh Duggar looking on.”
Carly Fiorina was predictably furious. “It’s just the bloody old boy network again,” she fumed. “If it was a matter of balls, I could take on any one of them, any time. But there’s obviously no way I can be a bigger dick than Donald, or even poor little Christie.
“Dammit, why can’t it be who’s the biggest c–?” She broke off, blood starting to seep from her eyes.
Of all the candidates, however, Dr Ben Carson greeted Trump’s bumptious challenge with the greatest calm and self-assurance.
“Look, man I’m the only black dude in this race,” he smiled. “And you know what they say about black dudes.”
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