[Disclaimer: This article is satire, or what we used to call "fake news" before actual fake news started poisoning the political discourse!]
Via GoogleSeance™, famed psychologist predicts Justice Thomas’s ‘Drunken Uncle Complex’ will pass with Scalia’s demise.
HEAVEN’S GATE – Founder of psychoanalysis Sigmund Freud said today that the unexpected death of Justice Antonin Scalia could finally liberate his colleague Clarence Thomas enough “to actually speak up, after decades of claustrophobic silence.”
Interviewed via GoogleSeance™ satellite from his idyllic study in the Viennese Woods just outside Paradise, Dr Freud noted with satisfaction that Thomas could in fact utter simple sentences. He had done so during his confirmation hearings in 1991, reportedly using words like “yes,” “no” and even “high-tech lynching” — whatever that meant.
Unheard from since then, Thomas’s “psychologically imposed silence,” in the doctor’s opinion, “was a function of his regression into neo-adolescence when confronted by a fat, loudmouthed bully of Scalia’s monstrous proportions.”
Dr Freud noted that Thomas’s condition, known as the “Drunken Uncle at Thanksgiving Complex” (American Psychological Association, DSM, pp 97-117) , was not uncommon, though in his case the symptoms were “extreme.”
They included a stunned inability to argue back or even formulate any kind of coherent response, embarrassment at one’s own and the Uncle’s unbelievable ignorance, wordlessness in the face of his and one’s own stupidity and yet awe at his persuasive, threatening bluster. The nephew aspires to be the Uncle, but frankly lacks the balls.
“It’s just like an abusive domestic relationship,” said Dr Freud, “though in the Scalia-Thomas marriage the victim was emotionally and vocally emasculated by the relentless flow of ‘arglebargle, applesauce and jiggery-pokery’ as Scalia himself put it.
“The result in Thomas’s case was to shrivel like a frozen scrotum, accept the money and the white privilege, and just nod wordlessly whenever required. After all, that’s the only service ever asked of him.”
Victims also sleep as much as possible with their eyes open, noticeable in Thomas’s case at SCOTUS hearings and in group pictures, where he also invariably caresses Scalia’s sleeve.
Known widely as “the best Supreme Court Justice the Kochs could buy,” Scalia represented their interests with such force and eloquence that the weak-minded Thomas could only “duh,” his single recorded sound in 15 years.
The contradictions generated in his “bruised and tattered Id-Ego ecology,” said Dr Freud, left the poor man “confused, apathetic and speechless as a baby on the tit.”
Scalia’s death, however, could free Justice Thomas, observed the Viennese physician. Specifically, he said, it opens up the real possibility that Thomas might actually become a mensch – an analytic term rooted in works of the philosopher, Isaac Bashevis Singer.
“The death of the Drunken Uncle,” noted Freud, “forces the orphaned nephew to grow a dick and pair of testicles or” — he hesitated — “seek out another drunk uncle or even a moderately tipsy aunt.
“I cannot say precisely what poor Clarence will do now, but if I were Justice Ginsburg I’d be careful who I sat next to at the next group photograph.”
If you liked this story, check out Michael Egan’s “Superman Abandons Earth And Other News They Won’t Tell You” (Humor Times Books, 2016), his new collection of outrageous news, interviews, jokes, verbal caricatures and rhymes! Available from Amazon.com.
Latest posts by Michael Egan (see all)
Like the above content? Leave a comment below! Get notified of new content on HumorTimes.com: Subscribe via email!