[Disclaimer: This is a satirical news piece, just for fun, read at your own risk!]

How to Ward Off Monkeypox and Avoid Another Pandemic

Dispatches from SNN (Slobovian News Network)

SNN Resident Witch Doctoress Dr. Sweet Mama Dorite explains how to ward off the Monkeypox.

With the arrival of the rare disease Monkeypox in the United States, SNN’s resident Witch Doctoress Dr. Sweet Mama DoRite says that everyone should be proactive in warding off the disease, before it becomes a pandemic like Covid.

Monkeypox, Smokey Robinson and The Miracles
Playing “Mickey’s Monkey” by Smokey Robinson and The Miracles is said to help ward off the disease.

She states that, much like the Delta Blues strain of Covid, Monkeypox can be controlled by funky sixties music played repeatedly until the danger passes.

She explained that to repel Monkeypox, you must find the following 1960’s 45 records:

1. The Monkey Time, by Major Lance

2. Mickey’s Monkey, by Smokey Robinson and The Miracles

3. Can Your Monkey Do The Dog, by Rufus Thomas

4. The Boston Monkey, by either The Manhattans or Billy Butler

5. Monkey Shine, by Bill Blacks Combo

6. Makin’ With The Magilla, by Little Eva

Play these records over and over again until you’re sure that your household is safe from Monkeypox.

Dr. DoRite also dispelled several rumors about Monkeypox, noting that you cannot catch Monkeypox from any of the following:

1. Kissing a monkey

2. Sharing a banana with a monkey

3. Having unprotected sex with a monkey

4. Binge watching either The Monkees or The Magilla Gorilla TV shows

However, rival Pisseypoo News Witch Doctoress Sista Sookie Dunne Ghone states that the only surefire way to ward off Monkeypox is to get 80 pounds of bananas, mash them, mix them with rum and make a total body paste, smear yourself from head to toe with it, then watch all twelve Johnny Weismuller Tarzan movies.

SNN Words to Live By

“When you’re up for reelection, for your own protection, make sure the opposition is in jail.” — Comedian Mark Russell

“Two half nuthin’s make a whole nuthin’.” — Foghorn Leghorn, Looney Tunes

Ted Holland