[Disclaimer: This is a satirical news piece, just for fun, read at your own risk!]

Ron DeSantis Testicle Tanning to Bone Up for 2024 Run

Gov. DeSantis is said to be using Tucker Carlson’s “testicle tanning” in “ballsy” stunt to get a “leg up” in the 2024 race.

Gov. Ron DeSantis came out in favor of “red-light testicle tanning” this week. He endorsed the practice after Fox News star Tucker Carlson said it reportedly helps men drive up their testosterone count, making them more manly. DeSantis appears regularly on Carlson’s top-rated nighttime show.

DeSantis testicle tanning“I’m a Florida Man and a Red Man,” shouted Republican DeSantis, as he beat his chest and insulted reporters. He denounced “wimpy mainstream reporters and their Democratic patrons.” DeSantis reportedly hopes that the treatments will give him a leg up on the 2024 presidential race.

Another Florida resident has also gotten attention for controversial behavior. Former President Donald John Trump made news when he bragged about grabbing women by their private parts. But Trump won’t say whether he got help from a red-light testicle tanning professional.

Even so, a Trump ally discussed the hot subject. Florida resident Roger Stone charged that the “DeSantis ploy is a political stunt” but admitted it was “pretty ballsy.” He added, “It was orchestrated by California migrant Christina Pushaw. She should go back where she came from.” Pushaw is the communications expert who starts fights with Democrats and media figures. The battles get more attention for her boss.

Dark Tan vs. Dark Tan in Florida Sunshine

Stone, known for his dark tans, continued, “Pushaw knows Donald will run over her boy. That’s why she got him to man up. It’s weak, and sad.”

Woke Behavior?  What Woke Behavior?

DeSantis also makes headlines opposing “woke” behavior in public schools and private businesses. Still, he plans to pour money into the testicle tanning project. He told reporters the Republican-controlled state Legislature will meet in Special Session this summer. “They need to get off of the beach and approve protections for people who administer and receive red-light testicle tanning treatments,” DeSantis said.

He noted he has support from the medical establishment. “I checked with Joe Ladapo, our Harvard-trained doc who serves as my state surgeon general. He assures me Tucker Carlson is right to back the medical practice. Joe Lapado thinks it is also possible that full-body red-light treatments can beat back Covid-19.”

Added DeSantis, “That’s why I will seek millions of dollars in spending to fund state-operated sites.”

The governor ended his press conference by blasting reporters. Those reporters asked him if his proposal was an example of “rightwing woke behavior.” DeSantis said, “I bet you get your questions from Mickey Mouse. We’ll see how you act now that I’ve chopped off Mickey’s tail. We’re selling bits and pieces of it online to raise millions more for future campaigns.”

He also made possibly obscene hand gestures at journalists who noted DeSantis has refused to say whether he got a Covid-19 booster shot. “Red-light testicle tanning treatment is the answer,” DeSantis said.  He rubbed his groin area before saying,  “It will set you free in the freest state in the country.”

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