Homicidal Hotline for Mass Murderers - Ted Holland, Humor Times

Dispatches from SNN (Slobovian News Network)

SNN unveils the Homicidal Hotline: When you get the urge to kill, just dial 1-800-I-W-A-N-N-A-K-I-L-L-S-O-M-E-D-A-M-N-B-O-D-Y instead. OK?

In an effort to curb the epidemic of gun violence in America, SNN will unveil the very first Homicidal Hotline. It is the hope of SNN that whenever someone gets the urge to kill, they will call the Homicidal Hotline instead.

Hotline by Andy Tyler — Photo by Andy Tyler, flickr.com.

The hotline program will be overseen by Dr. Gimme Datding, head of the Lunatic Studies Department at the University of Vagina at Poontang.

The hotline will be manned 24/7 by recovering sociopaths and disgraced Secret Service agents.

When you call the hotline, you will speak to a counselor who will ask you:

1. Do you consider yourself to be (1) a lunatic, (2) a psycho, (3) a sociopath or (4) a pissed-off citizen?

2. What weapons do you have? (1) handgun, (2) AK-47, (3) AR-15, (4) Tommy gun, (5) hand grenades, (6) homemade bomb, (7) flame thrower, (8) army tank, (9) ICBM or (10) a nuclear device.

3. Where do you plan to kill? (1) at home, (2) at work, (3) at school, (4) at the mall, (5) on the street, (6) Congress or (7) at the White House.

4. Who do you plan to kill? (1) friends and family, (2) anybody you see, (3) cops, (4) politicians or (5) everydamnbody.

5. Why do you plan to kill? (1) revenge, (2) to be on TV or (3) everyone else is doing it.

6. What do you plan to do after your massacre? (1) surrender to the police, (2) shoot it out with the police, (3) commit suicide, (4) do a Facebook post or (5) go get some more ammo.

7. Who would you like us to send you? (1) a psychiatrist, (2) your mama, (3) a priest, (4) a hooker, (5) a literary agent, (6) the NRA president or (7) Greg Gutfeld and Tyrus.

SNN Words to Live By

“Insufficient facts always invite danger.” — Mr. Spock, Star Trek

“Love is a five letter word, it’s simply M_O_N_E_Y.“ — James Phelps, Love is a Five Letter Word (song)

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Ted Holland

Ted holland attended college for four years. The year that he bothered to go to class he studied history. He majored in throwing quarters in the jukebox in the Student Union canteen and minored in a girl named Marsha. His books include This Day In African American Musicand B Western Actors Encyclopedia.