[Disclaimer: This is a satirical news piece, just for fun, read at your own risk!]

Justices Alito and Thomas Cite Right to Life for Every Ova

New hope is here for each ova, thanks to the wise men on the Court.

In presenting the arguments to overturn Roe v. Wade, Justices Alito and Thomas have cited what they discern as the constitutional right to life for every ova, stating that each has the potential for becoming a human being and is, therefore, entitled to the right to “life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.”

Ova hero Sam Alito, by DonkeyHotey
Justice Sam Alito. Caricature by DonkeyHotey, flickr.com.

At one point, a heated exchange in chamber caused the liberal justices’ mouths to open simultaneously as they sat for a few moments in dumbfounded silence following these words from Justice Alito: “Every woman who is not pregnant or in or past menopause commits murder every month by letting the little ova who has worked its way down the Fallopian tube to become a human being die a bloody death! Every single one of these little fellas deserves a chance to life.”

Justice Sotomayor was the first to explore the ramifications of this position, “Are you suggesting that the states will be able to prosecute and arrest most of the women in their state who are of childbearing age?”

“That will be one of the options,” answered Clarence Thomas “After a few months to heal after their last delivery, women could provide evidence that they are trying to become pregnant to avoid being arrested.”

“How can the woman provide evidence?” quipped Justice Kagen.

“Simple,” replied Thomas, “her husband could fill out a form every few months indicating that his wife agreed to have sex with him a minimum of three times per week.”

“But what if the man has had or decides to have a vasectomy?” smiled Justice Sotomayor.

“We would NEVER tell a man what he should do with his own body,” came the quick reply from Justice Alito with all the conservative justices nodding in agreement.

“What about unmarried women, young teens, and even nuns,” queried Justice Kagen.

“We’re still working out those details,” replied Justice Thomas. “We’re having some gynecologists led by Dr. Stutts (once all his malpractice lawsuits have been settled) working on a pill that will keep the eggs in their egg sack, the um…um…um.., oh yes, ovaries, until the woman is married, saving up all those little babies.”

Meanwhile, in anticipation of the decision, Ginni Thomas has been busy organizing the Million Ova Memorial where busloads of anti-abortion supporters will surround the grounds in front of the Supreme Court holding lighted candles as they ignite a bonfire made of one million tampons.

After the exchange was leaked to the press, a reporter from the Washington Post quickly called a prominent pro-choice leader to get her opinion.

“No worry,” she replied. “What husband is going to admit that his wife refused to have sex with him three times a week.”

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