Florida Governor Ron DeSantis says he was abducted by “space aliens” in New York after a TV interview.
Florida Governor Ron DeSantis claims he was abducted by “space aliens” after leaving the Manhattan studio of the Tucker Carlson show last night.
In a press conference he said, “I was walking along The Great White Way, minding my own business. But out of nowhere, a bright light shot down at me.” The probable 2024 Republican presidential candidate added, “Then I heard someone from above say, ‘Beam him up, Scottie.’ And I was gone.”
Disoriented, the governor soon regained consciousness. DeSantis reported, “The aliens were wearing N95 masks. And signs dotted their spacecraft, instructing members to get their mRNA shots and boosters.” The ambitious young governor has repeatedly challenged federal Covid-19 policy.
Not surprisingly, though, DeSantis linked his experience to politics. “I knew I was in trouble when I saw the Covid things. I realized some woke aliens got hold of me, probably at the behest of the Democrat Party. They are losers who can’t let go of Covid Theater.”
He escaped his captors, however, after “I prayed to the Lord our God.”
Medical Marijuana to Blame?
An LGBTQ spokesperson for the Democrats laughed off the DeSantis “fantasy.” “They have medical marijuana in Florida,” she said. “Therefore, the governor needs to disclose his complete medical history. Because the public has a right to know if he smokes pot.”
Undaunted by the pushback, DeSantis offered more information in a Fox News exclusive. “The aliens kept saying, “Take us to your tanning leader. Take us to your tanning leader.” Flustered, he denied knowing what the demand meant.
However, a spokesman with the federal Department of Homeland Security provided an insight. “DeSantis had just left the Tucker Carlson show. And everyone knows that Tucker backs red-light testicle tanning. What’s more, press reports indicate the governor has followed Tucker’s lead.”
Loyal American Warned Him
Unrestrained, the press secretary for the governor fired back. “We notified the Biden Administration about the threat posed by space aliens. We did this after a Loyal American in Las Vegas shared information with us. But Biden failed to deploy the U.S. Space Force, even after our American patriot was abducted.”
“Yeah,” replied a Biden spokeswoman. “DeSantis got $10 million bucks from that Loyal American. The ambition and calculation just ooze out of the Sunshine State governor. Or maybe the space aliens sprayed him with green slime. What is wrong with the Republican Party?”