Particular cabinet positions and assignments were largely based on donation size and amount of praise heaped.
By P.W.M. Greenfield
No one was surprised that he was charging the other Leaders In Exile for room and board at his estate. He’d charged visitors who were there to pledge allegiance to him and to ask for favors. And he even charged his own security personnel to live there, deducting the costs from their salaries.
His financial advisor had arranged with Swiss banks to make direct withdrawals from the secret accounts of deposed Presidents, Kings, Prime Ministers, Junta Colonels, and others who’d risen to the political tops of their countries and then been deposed… and survived to flee to the estate he guarantees that he Really Owns Because His Name Is On It.
In order to be fair to the guests, while assuring their presence, he did prorate the charges, based primarily upon the amount of money the former dictators had — based upon his access to accounts of how much the US and other governments had given them; and secondarily upon how much praise they’d given him before their downfalls.
Even his Real And Official Authentic Cabinet members paid for their dorm rooms and office space. Their particular assignments were largely based upon the size of their donations — made to his Family Charity, and therefore tax deductible for him. To be Shadow Secretary Of State was the most expensive, with the “menu” showing the prices for the other cabinet positions, including newly created offices: Secretary Of Endorsements, Secretary Of Press Releases, Secretary Of Airplanes, Secretary Of Escorts And Hostesses, and others. The original nominee for the last position on that list suddenly died of a broken neck, but he was easily replaced by a person with dual citizenship.
Below the Secretarial level are various Departments, many occupied by young people trying to gain experience and his good wishes and memories should he, as he and his supporters promise, return to power. Men and women who’d be unpaid interns are now Directors Of Alternate Realities, Chief Of Staff Of Daily Rants, the Registry Of Nepotism, and Chairmen Of Publicity Sound Bites.
And teenagers, some too young to vote except in rigged elections, have dropped out of school to produce daily Informative Videos, some 12 seconds long, none more than 4 minutes, suitable for insertion in newscasts. They get to keep part of the money they derive when particular productions go viral, donating the majority to the Wrongfully Deposed And Really Cheated Winner; but they do get experience and name recognition.
He has even assigned Ambassadors to many countries, usually Americans or nearly Americans with business and social connections in the various nations.
His Office Of Approximation has constructed offices nearly identical to the ones he occupied while in “power” for four years, with Great Seals, Official Logos, a beautiful Flag, and a huge desk.
And his Unofficial But All Good People Army, with trucker hats, arm bands, and tattoos, stand at attention whenever he passes them, he returning their professional salutes with a casual touch on one eyebrow.
“There’s nothing actually illegal about any of this,” his appointed judges and legal advisors assure the world. “It’s somewhere between Fraternities like the Masons and cosplay. All above board, and good fun for everyone.”
And he’s ready for when he’s returned to Office, whether by a Recount or the Next Election, which will be ruled and judged by his appointees.
It will be an orderly re-transition, with millions in attendance, at least in their hearts if not actually at the Inauguration.
Secretaryships remain available for suitable donations. One can pick what his or her title will be, and how close the office will be to that of the Once And Future Guaranteed Really Official And Eager To Resume Head of the Nation.