[Disclaimer: This is a satirical news piece, just for fun, read at your own risk!]

Entire Russian Army Deserts, Seeks Asylum at U.S.-Mexico Border

Dispatches from SNN (Slobovian News Network)

The entire Russian army has deserted, say observers, leaving Ukraine and heading to the U.S.-mexico border.

“Russian Army very bad. Russian army can’t beat New York Jets,” said Russian Colonel Alexandrov Bytchanutzov, standing at the border of Texas and Mexico with approximately two million of his Russian comrades.

Russian Army transport by Alan Wilson
This Russian military transport is named “Kaluga” after a town in central Russia. Photo by Alan Wilson, flickr.com.

“Fuck Putin and Ukraine… we come to America… get on Price is Right… Go to Vegas… shoot craps… get rich,” added Pvt. Ivan Vodkavitch.

According to SNN Military reporter Glenda Grenade, the entire Russian Army has pulled out of the Ukraine after losing 80,000 troops in the Ukrainian campaign, including 35 Generals. They commandeered 8,000 military transports and flew to Neuva Laredo, Mexico and prepared to cross the border into the United States.

In response to the army’s desertion, Russian President Vladimir Putin has dispatched his personal assassin Ludmilla the Thrilla to Mexico with orders to either bring back the soldiers or kill them all.

Texas Governor Gregg Abbott says that he welcomes the Russian troops, and that he is making plans to bus half of them to Vice President Kamala Harris’ house in Washington and the other half to the Biden Estate in Delaware.

SNN Words to Live By

“A man’s got to do what he thinks is best.” — Hondo Lane (John Wayne), “Hondo” 1951 film.

“Some immortals are more immortal than other immortals.” — David Brinkley, NBC News.

“The victor goes to the spoils.” — Pro wrestler Nick Bockwinkle.

Ted Holland