[Disclaimer: This is a satirical news piece, just for fun, read at your own risk!]

Conspiracy Theorist: The Whole World is Out to Get Trump

Dispatches from SNN (Slobovian News Network)

World class conspiracy theorist explains why the whole political world is out to get Donald Trump.

“Is former U.S. President Donald Trump really a threat to world democracy? No. Is Donald Trump really a master criminal? No. Is Donald Trump really a threat to the security of America? No. He is none of the above,” states Doctor Sebastian Ooolalah, world class political and cultural conspiracy theorist and head of the Whoop Dere It Is Department at the University of Vagina at Rhottenkrotche.

Conspiracy theorist, Trump vs world
Conspiracy theorist: World out to get Trump because he dared to become the President. Public Domain.

“The reason that the entire American political machine, Congress, the FBI, the CIA, every Attorney General and every District Attorney is out to get Donald Trump is because he committed the most mortal of mortal American sins… He ventured into the hidden, secret world of American politics and did the unthinkable. He grabbed the Holy Grail of America, stole the Golden fleece. He, the rankest of rank outsiders, dared to become the President of the United States,” he stated.

Dr. Ooolalah continued, “Mr Trump attained a position that every professional politician would give their heart, soul, money and left nut for. And this man, with no political experience, won the presidency and earned the hatred of the whole political world. So they decided that he had to be punished for committing this horrible sin.”

Dr. Ooolalah is famous for many theories such as:

  • Adam and Eve were really Fred and Wilma Flintstone
  • 2 plus 2 is really 87
  • JFK was really shot by Jackie Kennedy because she was still pissed about him screwing Marilyn Monroe
  • Ali Baba lied: there were really only 14 thieves
  • The US Constitution is really Russian disinformation
  • Joe Biden is really Stan Laurel

Dr. Ooolalah further states that the US political establishment will never allow Mr. Trump to run again in 2024, even if they have to shoot him.

SNN Words To Live By

“We all need someone to bleed on.” — The Rolling Stones, Let It Bleed, 1969 song.

“From schitte mankind came and to schitte mankind shall return.” — The Defecationist Creed.

“All white men are thieves.” — Chief Young Bull (Rock Hudson), Winchester 73, 1950 movie.

Ted Holland