The Jerry Duncan Show Interviews Louie Gohmert & Jim Jordan

Wherein our intrepid talk radio show host interviews Republican Congressmen Louie Gohmert of Texas and Jim Jordan of Ohio.

ANNOUNCER

Live from under a rock in your backyard, it’s The Jerry Duncan Show.

JERRY DUNCAN

Good morning listeners nationwide. Is it a good morning? We’ll soon find out. Today on the show my guests are crazy Texas Republican Congressman Louie Gohmert and crazier Ohio Republican Congressman Jim Jordan.

Mean Guys, Louie Gohmert by DonkeyHotey
Louie Gohmert caricature, by DonkeyHotey, flickr.com.

LOUIE GOHMERT

I will lie for Trump.

JIM JORDAN

I will die for Trump.

GOHMERT

If you die, can I have your sweaty white dress shirts?

JORDAN

Sure. I’ll even throw in my smelly wrestling mat and jock strap.

JERRY

Let’s get to it. You two anarchists are members of the Freedom Caucus, which is sympathetic to the Tea Party. You are still trying to overturn the results of the 2020 election in favor of Donald Trump.

GOHMERT

It’s a conspiracy. I go by the facts. There were bamboo ballots with invisible ink. Trump’s name just disappeared in the light. Also, the voting machines were rigged. All the votes went to Joe Biden automatically.

JORDAN

That’s evidence the Supreme Court refused to consider. Here’s another fact you don’t know. Viagra is a recreational drug. There are two main ingredients: Miracle Gro and Fixa-Flat. This is why I refuse to let Medicare pay for it.

GOHMERT

Hey, Jimbo. I use Viagra. The wife and I play bucking bronco after I take the pill.

JORDAN

I may have a change of heart. Will Viagra help me grow taller? I’ve been mistaken for a chimpanzee.

JERRY

Okay, monkey. What do you get when you offer a member of the Tea Party a penny for his thoughts?

JORDAN

No clue.

JERRY

Change.

JERRY

Gohmert. I was reading about the high crime rate in Texas. Why are there so many unsolved murders?

GOHMERT

I don’t know.

JERRY

Well, I do. There are no dental records and everyone has the same DNA.

JORDAN

Yep. Heard it on Hannity, so it must be true.

JERRY

Chimp Jordan. 126 House Republicans and 17 Republican State Attorney Generals signed onto the Texas lawsuit to overturn the election results in  swing states in favor of Donald Trump. Attorney General William Barr confirmed that there was no election fraud. The lawsuit was frivolous with no evidence and the Supreme Court dismissed the challenge.

JORDAN

That’s not what we’re complaining about, Duncan. Joe Biden was born in a blue state. It’s illegal and disqualifies him for president. (sound of chimpanzee) Ooh, ooh, ooh, eee, eee, eee, aah, aah, aah.

JERRY

You’re a nut, Chimp. Joe Biden is the president.

GOHMERT

He won’t allow the QAnon flag in the House chamber. That’s un-American.

JERRY

The truth is Trumpsters are undermining our democracy. Fear and anger is not who we are as a nation.

GOHMERT

Fake news. I think you’re being controlled by Hillary Clinton. There are microwaves coming from your head. I feel the vibes.

JERRY

If you say so, Gomer Pyle.

JORDAN

How many Republicans does it take to change a light bulb?

JERRY

Don’t know.

JORDAN

Three. One to hire a Mexican and two to deport him when he’s done.

GOHMERT

A fact, Duncan.

JORDAN

And Gohmert knows. He’s one of the most racist members in Congress.

GOHMERT

Better believe it. You name the minority, I’m against them.

JERRY

Native Americans were here before white people.

GOHMERT

I say to that remark. Make pee pee, not teepee.

JORDAN

Boy. We are gonna have fun the next two years. Hunter Biden is going to be grilled endlessly in Congressional hearings. Dr. Fauci will be humiliated. And Joe Biden will be impeached for no reason.

GOHMERT

You can’t get more Trumpier, Jimbo.

JORDAN

Oh, yes I can. I made a pact with the devil.

JERRY

Hold on there, Chimp. You are the devil!

JORDAN

Ooh, ooh, ooh, eee, eee, eee, aah, aah, aah.

JERRY

Jim Jordan and Louie Gohmert everyone. See you tomorrow

 

The Jerry Duncan Show
(c) Dean B. Kaner

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