[Disclaimer: This is a satirical news piece, just for fun, read at your own risk!]

Santa Claus Asks Biden for Help with Reindeer Strike

Dispatches from SNN (Slobovian News Network)

Santa Claus has appealed to President Biden for help in avoiding a planned reindeer strike this year.

SNN North Pole reporter Freezyn Myassov says that Christmas icon Santa Claus is at his wits end. His reindeer have proposed a reindeer strike on December 23rd, meaning that millions of children worldwide will go without Christmas presents this year. Santa and the reindeer are at odds over pay, benefits and working conditions.

reindeer strike
Back in simpler times, when Santa was first starting out. He had only one reindeer, who never complained. By unknown author, from “The Children’s Friend.” Public Domain.

Santa recently stated, “Mr. Biden did such a great job averting the railroad strike. I desperately need his help to save Christmas for children across the globe.”

The reindeer have requested several upgrades for their services, including a 50 percent pay hike, 21 days paid vacation, 7 days paid sick leave and for Santa to convert to an electric sleigh.

Ms. Myassov says that part of the problem seems to be a generational disconnect between the almost 300 year old Mr. Claus and the Gen X reindeer crew.

Gone are the classic reindeer lineup of Rudolph, Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, Comet, Cupid, Vixen, Donner and Blitzen.

They have benn replaced by hip-hop oriented deer with names like Reindeer X, YOYO, Cube, Drive By, Mojo, Lil Nastee, MJF and Antlah.

“Damn sonofabitches don’t do nothing but listen to rap music, smoke reefer, do TikTok and play video games… Hell they work one damn night a year year and they want seven days paid sick leave! And they want me to hire a LGBTQ reindeer — whatever the hell that is,” Santa complained.

He added, “It’s up to Mr. Biden. I would have asked Donald Trump for help, but he still owes me for all the shit I brought him last year. He claims the FBI confiscated the invoice from his house.”

SNN Words To Live By

“Nobody gets out of life alive.” — Hud (Paul Newman), 1961 film.

”A woman should never show her hand until a man is ready to eat out of it.” — Minnie Pearl, HeeHaw TV show.

“If you want to be a great writer, be either deranged or brilliant.” — Jimmy Breslin.

“Little men take, big men hit.” — MLB manager Birdie Tebbets.

Ted Holland