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Elon Musk Names George Santos New Twitter CEO

Newly elected Republican George Santos will head Elon Musk’s new, blue-ribbon team to manage Twitter’s daily operations.

Elon Musk has made good on his promise to follow the wishes of Twitter users. After fifty-eight percent of surveyed users stated that he should step down as head of Twitter, Musk has done exactly that.

Elon Musk, George Santos
Musk: By The Royal Society, CC BY-SA 3.0. Santos: By Empire State Conservatives Podcast, CC BY 3.0.

“I have a new, blue-ribbon management team that I am very excited about,” said Musk in a telephone interview. “And I think the Twitterverse will be excited too.”

Leading the team will be Rep. George Santos (R-NY) who will take over the reins as Twitter CEO. “What a resume,” enthused Musk. “Three PhDs (political science, medicine and astrophysics) and a career at NASA. That checks off all the boxes for me. Santos as CEO is a no-brainer as far as I’m concerned.”

Santos could not be reached for comment. He is apparently at Oxford University in England, completing his economics thesis. This will be his fourth PhD.

The rest of the blue-ribbon team, hand-picked by Musk, will address the current controversies that have plagued the social media platform giant. Kanye (Ye) West will be the Director of Diversity and Digression. “He has a well-earned reputation for digressive thought and speech. This will be of incredible value to our new legal advisor, Rudy Giuliani. He will be leading the fight against the many conspiracies out there that threaten our free speech and freedom,” said Musk.

The Director of Content Moderation will be split equally between two individuals who are renowned for their social conscience – Alex Jones and Louis Farrakhan. Harvey Weinstein brings decades of talent management experience to his role as the new Director of Human Resources and Talent Acquisition.

Former Arizona gubernatorial candidate, Kari Lake, will take on the LGBTQ portfolio. “I’m so excited about this opportunity,” she said. “All my gay friends and acquaintances have been so wonderfully supportive of my efforts to oppose protecting gays and transgender people under Arizona state discrimination law.”

The new management team will tackle one of the thorniest issues that plague social media platforms – balancing free speech versus hate speech. “We are going to eliminate the divisive, subjective, drawn out debate about what words are okay or not okay on Twitter. We will instead publish a clear, simple, objective Standards Guide. It will be easy for everyone to understand. We’ll be able to easily track posts based on these criteria,” tweeted the management team.

A preliminary copy of the Standards Guide lists the following examples of what will soon become unacceptable speech on Twitter: comments about restaurant appetizers or Taylor Swift’s hair; use of the N-word – all words beginning with the letter “N” that refer to a person, place or time (e.g., Netherlands, Nicholas, night); misspellings and improper use of the comma, according to the Associated Press (AP) style guide; any mention of February; and the use of “lemming” within a rhetorical question.

Elon Musk will continue to own Twitter. He will also continue to use Twitter as a bully pulpit in support of his preferred social causes: having the Atlanta Braves baseball team change their name to the Atlanta Teslas, and developing a crowdfunding campaign to support George Santos’ fifth PhD (International Law).

David Wollman