[Disclaimer: This is a satirical news piece, just for fun, read at your own risk!]

Head of Zardocian Mafia: ‘If You’re a Criminal, America is the Place to Be’

Dispatches from SNN (Slobovian News Network)

An interplanetary mob boss says Earth’s America is a paradise for any criminal looking for a new base of operations.

In an exclusive communique to SNN crime reporter Aide N. Abette OneZnarzo, Capo de Capo of the Mafia on Planet Zardoc states that if you are a criminal, American cities are the place to ply your trade.

criminal hot thief
Thief? The hotter the better. By Gabrielle Sinatra, flickr.com. CC BY-NC 2.0.

He said, “Large American cities are hog heaven for a criminal. They’re running out of cops and all the DA’s are concerned only with Donald Trump.”

Mr. Oneznarzo also went on to give his list of the six best American cities to live in if you’re a lawbreaker:

6. San Francisco, California — You can go to ‘Frisco and steal Nob Hill or Steph Curry. Hey if they can break into Nancy Pelosi’s house and headwhup her old man, it’s all free. But you better hurry cause businesses are packing up and gittin’ outa town. Only cops in town are in that Steve McQueen “Bullitt” flick.

5. Los Angeles, California — You got movie stars, million dollar rappers, Beverly Hills super-rich stores, Hollywood, all kind of zillion dollar stuff to rob. Steal the walk of fame even. And they’re running outa cops. LAPD is 1000 cops short. And they got the World Cup and the Olympics coming… LA is thieve’s paradise.

4. St. Louis, Missouri — Last year this was named the Most Dangerous town in the USA. You can kidnap the St. Louis Cardinals. This place is so bad, even the cops have to have bodyguards.

3. Washington D.C. — America’s capitol of crime… you can rob people on the street corner or the train station, nobody cares. Last year, the DA dismissed 67% of the arrests the cops made. Kidnap MTG, or heist a Biden. Steal the Redskins.

2. NYC — If you rob a bodega and the owner takes a shot at you, he goes to jail. Steal Yankee Stadium or rob the Fox News Channel. Last year a guy ran through the subway smearing his shit on passengers and got off. The Manhattan DA only wants to put Trump in jail, not everyday criminals. Hold Broadway for ransom.

And the Number 1 city to live in for lawbreakers is… Chicago — There’s a shootin’ every 10 seconds, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. They got a new mayor that thinks if you let somebody steal the Magnificent Mile, it makes up for slavery back in the day. Steal the Cubs or the Bears. If you get caught, there’s no bail, you walk. Problem with Chitown is that you’ll probably get shot on the way to your next caper. To quote Sinatra, “Chicago is my kinda town.”

Mr. Oneznarzo stated that the Zardocian Mob had planned to leave the Planet Zardoc and relocate to America, but decided that it was too dangerous.

SNN Words to Live By

“Guns are America.” — Capt. Barney Miller (Hal Linden), Barney Miller 70’s TV show.

“Passion exhausts the heart.” — Germaine Greer, writer.

“Don’t lose your temper because nobody wants it.” — Pro golfer Carol Mann.

“You May be bad, but you can be had.” — Pro Wrestler Bob Armstrong.

Ted Holland