[Disclaimer: This is a satirical news piece, just for fun, read at your own risk!]

New Speaker Interviewed by Chris Matthews

Former MSNBC host Chris Matthews interviewed the new Speaker of the House on the nine-hole of Trump’s golf course.

The new Speaker of the House of Representatives, Mike Johnson (R. LA), sojourned to Mar-a-Lago, former-president Donald J. Trump’s luxury estate in Palm Beach, Florida on Friday, to receive his marching orders. Our correspondent, former MSNBC host Chris Matthews, interviewed the pair at the time of their meeting, which was held at the pin on the nine-hole of the golf course, where Trump had just shot a third mulligan-aided hole-in-one. Trump and Johnson stood close, with the ex-president’s hand resting companionably on Johnson’s neck.

new speakerThe one-time cable host addressed Johnson. “What,” asked Matthews, “will be your priorities as new Speaker?”
“I want to clear the former — and still — President of the United States of all the nettlesome charges on which he has been unfairly indicted,” replied Johnson at once.

“Yes, but what will be your guiding principle in carrying out your job?”

“To clear the President’s good name,” said Johnson.

Matthews scowled. “But, what will be the focal point of your leadership?” he persisted. “What is the essence of your message to the House and to the American people, Mr. Speaker.”

“Of course,” said the new House leader. “I understand your question now. I want to positively stress that, for all intents and purposes, Donald Trump and Jesus Christ are indistinguishable. They are, for all practical purposes, the same. When I get down on my knees to pray at night, I pray to Donald J. Trump,” he added. Matthews rolled his eyes and the interview proceeded.

“Mr. Speaker, you are judged by your critics — and by your GOP colleagues — to be the most ideologically conservative member of the House. One former congressman referred to you as “Jim Jordan in Drag,”

“I admire Jim Jordan,” said Johnson, “and I haven’t witnessed him in drag for several years; not since the House New Year’s party back in ’19, so I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“You’ve been instrumental in efforts to promote restrictions on a woman’s right to choose,” Matthews pointed out. “Could you encapsulate your position on women’s healthcare?”

“On that issue, I agree with Justice Thomas,” replied Johnson warmly. “Women’s healthcare is not enumerated in the original Constitution so, fundamentally, it does not exist as a right.”

“Mr. Speaker, do you still believe that the 2020 election was invalid?”

Johnson looked sheepish and then he and the ex-president both smirked, but made no reply. Behind them, an entourage of onlookers hooted and hollered.

What is your view on the Second Amendment?” inquired Matthews next.

“Again I defer to that Constitutional scholar Justice Thomas, who has stated that he ‘never met a firearm he didn’t like.’ Further, I intend to remove the weapons scanners in the House, which impede members’ right to bear arms. In the new House,” he intoned gravely, “we’ll be locked and loaded.” He smiled engagingly.

“What is your outlook on the LGBTQ, Black and Muslim communities, Mr. Speaker?”

“I refer the unwashed to Leviticus 18:22 and 20:13,” replied Johnson. “Transgenderism and homosexuality are abominations!” he declared absolutely. “And the other subcultures you mentioned are only marginally less abominable.”

“Mr. Trump,” said Matthews, turning to the ex-president, “you supported

Mike Johnson’s election as Speaker; do you have anything that you’d like to add to the discussion?” Trump moved his hand from Johnson’s neck, but again, said nothing. “Very good, gentlemen,” said Matthews, turning to face the camera and murmuring. “I didn’t even see the president’s lips move.”

Bill Tope
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