[Disclaimer: This is a satirical news piece, just for fun, read at your own risk!]

Trump Takes Aim at Ramaswamy

With trademark sneering dismissiveness, Trump aims his latest barbs at Vivek Ramaswamy.

At a pre-court appearance news conference on Wednesday, former President Donald J. Trump reacted peevishly to suggestions that Republican upstart Vivek Ramaswamy might overtake him in the polls.

Vivek Ramaswamy by Gage Skidmore
Vivek Ramaswamy. Photo by Gage Skidmore, flickr.com.

“Pastrami is at what, like 11%? And I’m at 60%? You tell me — who’s in the driver’s seat.” Trump smiled smugly. “I’ve got nothing against Civet Patrami,” Trump went on. “He’s done well for himself, with his little business, selling his sex toy merch, particularly when you consider that he comes from a shithole country…”

When reminded that Ramaswamy was born in Cincinnati, Ohio, Trump remarked that The Queen’s City is also home to the first public TV station. Or, as Trump described it, the “birthplace of fake news. Think about that,” he advised. “A lot of people don’t know that. i know more about Ohio than anyone.”

When reminded that many of Ramaswamy’s policies mirror his own, Trump replied that “Even a broken clock is right twice per day.”

A reporter questioned the ex-president about possibly naming Ramaswamy as his vice presidential running mate. Trump replied that he hadn’t yet reached a decision on who to put in the number two slot, but that he was prepared to offer Ramaswamy a job today: “There are openings for caddies at Bedminster,” he revealed with a twinkle.

“Seriously, though,” Trump went on, “the president appoints 200 foreign ambassadors. And Civet Pastromi is in line to receive appointment to lead the delegation to any of a number of important shithole countries. Hell, I might even appoint him ambassador to Cincinnati.”

As the press conference wound down, Trump was joined at the dais by Rep. Marjorie Taylor Greene (R. Ga), whose lapel sported a prominent QAnon button. She surprised reporters by leaning up and bussing the former president on the cheek. When reporters queried Trump on any news regarding his love life, Greene blushed, and the ex-president remarked that he and Greene would be trekking to Mar-a-Lago, where they would ‘conference on the problem of Jewish space lasers — among other things.”

Bill Tope