[Disclaimer: This is a satirical news piece, just for fun, read at your own risk!]

Trump Fortunes Rebound with Online Sales

Bigly sales on Trumpstore.com have helped the Trump fortunes to rebound.

The Trump fortunes rebounded with sales on Trumpstore.com, an online retail site featuring products promoted by the Trump Organization. The website invites the shopper to “Experience the world of Trump” by viewing literally hundreds of new items.

Trump fortunesFeatured merchandise ranges from Trump Signature Candles (suitable for lighting at high mass and blessed by Trump) to $399 gilded Trump “Never Surrender” High Top sneakers; from Victory 47 Colognes and Perfumes, to the Trump “Lonely Nights” Inflatable Man, with choice of life-size attachments.

A best-seller over Easter and Holy Week was the Trump-endorsed “God Bless the U.S.A.” Bible, now available for a limited time for just $59.39, a substantial 1% reduction in price. A new product is the Trump Exfoliating Cleanser, which promises to imbue the user with rich, orange skin tones after just one use.

Trumpstore.com is a family effort: A Melania Signature Evening Gown is available for just $2000. For an extra $50, Florida Governor Ron DeSantis will come to your home or place of business and personally model the 3 versions of the dress.

Eric and Donald Jr. will, for a nominal fee of $4000, visit the animal sanctuary or preserve of your choice and slaughter all the endangered species contained therein. Ammo is extra.

And finally, ex-President Donald J. Trump is embarking on a series of paid speaking engagements. Topics include: Eradication of the Vermin Menace; Chattel Slavery Revisited; and Successful Elimination of Women’s Healthcare. Speaking fees are negotiable.

Bill Tope
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