Following months of media speculation, Donald Trump has selected his 2024 VP running mate.
After much public conjecture and overt deliberation by the candidate himself, former President Donald J. Trump has selected his 2024 VP running mate.
It was once thought that Trump might select a female vice president, a speculation entailing such GOP luminaries as former U.N. Ambassador Nikki Haley, N. Dakota governor Kristi Noem (“She has the nicest ass,” averred the ex-president), Georgia Rep. Marjorie Taylor Greene, and even songstress superstar Stefani Germanotta (Lady Maga). Also figuring prominently in the selection process was sex-device entrepreneur Vivek Ramaswamy; Rep. Jim Jordan (R. OH) and high-end evening wear model Governor Ron DeSantis (R. FL).
Delivering an address at a sweat-shop tennis sneaker factory in Little Rock, Arkansas on Thursday, where 120 children under ten are employed, Trump railed against those RINOS who had in the past supported even the slightest vestiges of industrial trade unions. The ex-president paused in his speech to unexpectedly announce his VP selection: the newly defrocked congressman George Santos (R. NY). The children, who did not speak English, applauded politely.
“Santos,” boasted Trump, “has has been in Washington for only a brief period, however, he has held positions of immense power even in that short time. He’s told me all about being a Congressman, Secretary of State, a General in the Marines, an Admiral in the Navy, Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff, and he’s both written and starred in blockbuster movies in Hollywood. This shows his versatility,” said Trump. The ex-president pointed to Santos’s tenure as Pope as evidence of Santos’s willingness to “theocratize the nation.”
“Secondly,” Trump went on, “he’s not intimidated by the fake-news, deep-state, mainstream media, like the failing New York Times and morally bankrupt MSNBC.”
Asked by a Fox News reporter how he accounted for Santos’s auspicious disposition, Trump answered at once: “Because, Santos has literally no shame.” He smiled proudly, noting that this makes Santos an especially appropriate stand-in in the event that Trump himself meets an untimely end.
“You never know,” said Trump, “I might stop eating again and maybe this time the Speaker won’t drop by.”
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