[Disclaimer: This is a satirical news piece, just for fun, read at your own risk!]

Future News: Trump Delivers Own Keynote Address at RNC

Normally reserved for a political “up and comer,” Trump gave the July, 2024 RNC keynote address himself.

Tossing tradition to the wind, 2024 Republican presidential nominee Donald J. Trump elected to give the Republican National Convention’s keynote address himself this election circuit.

Trump plane, RNC keynote address
Trump takes off to give RNC keynote address. Photo: Tomás Del Coro, CC BY-SA 2.0.

Normally reserved for a political “up and comer,” Trump explained prior to the speech that he was “an expert on all things, including Republican politics,” and so would deliver the address himself. He delivered the keynote speech last night, July 17, 2024, one day prior to the scheduled close of the four-day convention, citing a pressing golf game the next day with newfound sugar daddy billionaire Elon Musk.

Some 50,000 individuals attended this year’s convention, including more than 2,500 delegates from most American states and territories. At Trump’s insistence, delegates from Washington D.C. and Vermont were excluded from participating this year; he cited their lack of loyalty in refusing to pledge all their delegates to Trump during the primaries.

Trump was introduced to the throngs of Republicans at Milwaukee’s Fiserv Forum by Republican National Committee co-chairs Lara Trump and rocker Ted Nugent, who together performed a rollicking version of Cat Scratch Fever, the latter’s one hit in a long and undistinguished career.

After the keynote address intro, Trump bounced onto the stage and joked and engaged in ribald repartee with his admirers. He began by thanking those who, “in some miniscule measure,” had made his third nomination possible. He welcomed junior Senator Tim Scott (R. SC), telling the legislator that he should be happy to be back in the Midwest, where he could visit his forebears at the ape house at the Milwaukee County Zoo. The crowd shrieked its approval. The senator, caught by arena television cameras stage right, where he was still polishing Trump’s shoes, waved to the audience.

In his four years in office, Trump was most noted for his alleged participation in the Jan. 6 2021 Capitol insurrection. But tonight Trump turned the table on his critics by calling President Joe Biden’s handling of the border situation tantamount to “A conspiracy to overthrow the government of the United States of America.” Trump continued: “Obama is,” he said, “a blight on the history of autocracy.” After a whispered conversation with an aid off camera, Trump reemerged and said with a smile, “I knew it wasn’t Obama–I knew it was Lyndon Johnson….”

“Women’s healthcare,” bellowed the ex-president, “is only a shadow of what it was when I first came into office. I did that!” he yelped, to the adulation of the crowd.

“And if I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a thousand times, caravans of brown vermin are poisoning the bloodlines of real Americans.” Throughout the huge auditorium, frenzied fans shouted and brandished placards emblazoned with “MAGA,” “TRUMP” and “NO SHAME.”

“You know, blue states are taking white kids out of schools and replacing them with illegals. They’re immediately registering them to vote, too. And they’re turning out the white kids, the legitimate students, onto the streets, where they just wander around, lost. You’ve all heard of Replacement Theory, am I right?” The crowd grew boisterous, chasing a Hispanic usher from the room. “Don’t kill him,” said Trump boredly, “but if you do, I’ll cover your legal bills.”

“These vermin — they look like children, but they’re really adults — are evil; they’re like Hannibal Lecter. And they speak languages that” — he stumbled for words — “nobody understands. It’s like they were from Mars or St. Louis or Detroit, or East L.A.” Again the crowd raised their voices in approval.

“In sanctuary cities,” Trump went on, “where they harbor these illegals, they have no more sports! No professional wrestling, no football — just soccer,” he concluded distastefully. It’s all a part of a vast left-wing plot, to allow Migrant Crime!” A rumble of discord snaked across the large arena. Trump was nodding. “And at the same time, they’re persecuting me for non- crimes: like peculation, lying, falsifying financial records, and other victim-less offenses, including forcible rape.” The crowd was going wild. “That’s right,” purred Trump. “I love you, too!” And he grabbed his crotch and thrust an orange fist into the air.

Trump reiterated his oft made claim that his multiple indictments on nearly 100 felony counts had endeared him to the Black community and garnered him new minority friends. “In spite of their natural shortcomings,” said Trump, “the lesser among us have shown they are capable of coming to the fore and embracing those things that real Americans can appreciate.”

Trump had some unexpected announcements to make concerning his anticipated second term as president. He said that acclaimed Humor Times conservative Capitol correspondent Llib Epot was being brought on board to serve as Trump’s new press secretary. He added that Epot’s tenure was secure, until such time as the journalist “pulls a Sean Spicer,” at which time Epot would be “late for the door.”

Trump announced that his new administration would be marked by transparency, and would not tolerate “the lies of the Biden administration.” Said Trump: “Now that you’ve got a younger man in the White House, you’ll find I’m much more up to the job. “I’m fifteen years younger than the old guy,” he said. “I’m six feet, five inches tall and I weigh precisely 190 lbs. If I’m lyin’, I’m dyin’.

Bill Tope