[Disclaimer: This is a satirical news piece, just for fun, read at your own risk!]

10 Reasons to Vote for Trump for President

Our conservative capitol correspondent gives his top ten reasons to vote for Trump, and they are revealing!

By Llib Epot, Conservative Capitol Correspondent

A review of past policies and proposed administrative guidelines for a second Trump Administration reveal the auspicious nature of electing Trump to serve as president once more. These reasons to vote for Trump include, but are not limited to, the following:

Reasons to Vote for Trump
Not contributing. Photo: Ted Van Pelt, flickr.com, CC BY 2.0.

1. Clearing out the deadwood: removal of some 21 million current recipients of the ill-advised, socialistic Obamacare. Many of these persons do not work and therefore do not contribute through taxes to the U.S. Treasury. Such persons deserve to remain sick. The Welfare State is an endangered species under the 47th president. Someone has to pay taxes, since Trump and the other billionaires don’t.

2. Restoration of Ukraine to its rightful owner: America’s best friend, Vladimir Putin, has endured enough pressure from Democrat congressional war mongers. When elected, President Trump will end the war “in 24 hours,” even if he has to “execute Zelensky in Red Square.”

3. Sell Taylor Swift into white slavery: “This chick has been nothing but a boil on my neck,” said Trump. She is, he said, “An obvious Democrat mouthpiece.” Trump said he prefers “more sophisticated” A-listers like entertainer Kid Rock, hard rock guitarist Ted Nugent, and celebrity doyen Roseanne Barr.

4. Shut down the border: Trump has and will again, completely shut down the Southern border. “Dreamers Shreamers,” scoffs Trump. There will be no pathway to citizenship, no visas, no green cards, and there will be mass deportation of all illegals (including American nationals who “don’t have their minds right).

5. Rewrite the Constitution: So-called seminal Constitutional provisions will be summarily eliminated by a SCOTUS reinvigorated by Trump’s reelection. Scoff laws like “privacy, individual liberty and women’s healthcare” will face the chopping block. Trump also anticipates an “entitlement clause” which would make forcible rape permissible under the law.

6. Institutionalize full presidential immunity: “Your president should not be shackled by laws which were designed for the little people,” declared Trump at a campaign rally at Riker’s Island. “I won’t stand for it!”

7. Appoint only the most qualified advisors: A-list government employees like Jared Kushner, Ivanka Trump, Steven Miller, Steve Bannon, Michael Flynn, and many others will follow Trump into office.

8. Restore the Civil War monuments: Confederate luminaries like Braxton Bragg, Robert E. Lee, and Jefferson Davis will once again receive the esteem they so richly deserve. The Civil War was not only about Union heroes; “There were very fine people on both sides.”

9. Finally buy Greenland: Trump has stated repeatedly during the course of his campaign that he fully intends to buy Greenland from the Kingdom of Denmark. “They’ll sell,” remarked Trump. “I’ll make them an offer they can’t refuse,” he said, channeling Marlon Brando, “even if I have to attack Copenhagen with stinger missiles.”

10: Sponsor U.N. action to have shithole countries kicked out: I think that says it all.

Bill Tope