[Disclaimer: This is a satirical news piece, just for fun, read at your own risk!]

Trump Ponders His Choices in Republican Veepstakes

Presumptive Republican nominee Donald Trump faces a crossroads in Veepstakes.

With the GOP National Convention just two months away, presumptive Republican nominee and former President Donald J. Trump faces a crossroads in the selection of his vice presidential running mate, popularly known as the “Veepstakes.”

Marco Rubio in Veepstakes
Veepstakes: Marco Rubio a candidate. Caricature by DonkeyHotey, flickr.com, CC BY-SA 2.0.

“Some really great people… would love to be my vice president,” said Trump recently. “There’s not a person in politics that doesn’t want it. If I wanted, I’d have a democrat, a liberal, I’d have anybody I want.”

Trump had previously selected such Republican luminaries as former Rep. George Santos (R. NY), Rep. Marjorie Taylor Greene (R. GA) and even comedian Roseanne Barr as possible running mates, but in the end decided that the Santos was “small time;” Greene was “too sexually demanding;” and that Barr was “too vulgar, even for me.”

Top contenders in the public eye are diverse and range from Sen. Tim Scott (R. SC) to dog killer Gov. Kristi Noem (R. SD); from sex toy magnate Vivek Ramaswamy to disgraced cross-dressing Gov. Ron DeSantis (R. FL). Even Gov. Greg Abbott (R. TX) is in the running, but, as Trump noted whimsically, “He’s not actually running.” (Abbott is confined to a wheelchair).

Some contenders in the Republican veepstakes have expressed a marked interest in the position. According to Kristi Noem, she would accept the VP slot “In a heartbeat.” Sen. Scott noted that he would do “Whatever was right for the party.” And Ramaswamy said he’d do anything “To augment my retail business.”

Principal VP contenders:

Tim Scott
One bone of contention between Sen. Scott and Trump is Scott’s vote to certify the 2020 election, but Trump has indicated that he can be forgiving. “I don’t hold it against Tim,” Trump said at a campaign rally at the recent all-white Caucasian Convention in Charlottesville, Virginia, where he pointed out that Scott is “a generally well-behaved nigra” and is “educable to white people’s ways.” Scott has, Trump said, “Time to get his mind right.”

Sen. Marco Rubio (R/ FL)

Rubio has been mentioned in some circles as a possible running mate. Working against Rubio is the fact that Rubio comes from the same state as the former president, as well as Rubio’s history of highlighting Trump’s freakishly small hand size in the 2016 presidential campaign. Some in Trump’s camp feel that the presumptive Republican candidate has never gotten over that slight.

Sen. J. D. Vance (R. OH)
Vance has powerful financial ties to Silicon Valley, which could prove auspicious for the cash-strapped Trump campaign. Also in Vance’s favor is the fact that he has questioned the legitimacy of the 2020 election and downplayed the jeopardy that Vice President Mike Pence found himself in at the time of the Jan. 6 Capitol insurrection. “If the little shit had been packing, then he wouldn’t have had to run,” said Vance irritably.

Vivek Ramaswamy

Ramaswamy, whom Trump jokingly refers to as a “Dark horse,” is founder of Roivant Industries, a maker of “ribald but effective” sexual devices. Trump has had good things to say about Ramaswamy: “Vivek is probably responsible for more female orgasms than anyone in the history of mankind. Next to me,” he added with a wink.

S. Dakota Kristi Noem
Noem, whose photo may be seen on ASPCA posters in U.S. Post Offices throughout the country, has fallen somewhat into disfavor after it was revealed that he brutally murdered half the animals in Hamlin County, S, Dakota. Trump gives Noem kudos, however, saying he knows where she’s coming from. “When my son Eric was young,” said the ex-president, “he had behavioral problems and I considered having him put down. So,” he said, “it can happen to anyone.” Also in Noem’s favor, said Trump, “is the indisputable fact that she’s got the nicest, tightest ass in the history of American politics, with the possible exception of Ron DeSantis.”

Bill Tope