By Harvey Lieberman
When foreign pollen threatens American noses, the government fights back with Operation Golden Ragweed: tariffs, sniffers and drone-assisted sunflower strikes. Liberty is not a houseplant.
Washington, D.C. — In a sweeping new initiative, the federal government has declared war on foreign pollen, unveiling “Operation Golden Ragweed” to protect America’s respiratory system from hostile floral infiltration.
The newly-formed Agency for Foreign Pollen Annihilation (AFPA), created under Executive Order #P-1776-ACHOO, will coordinate with the Department of Environmental Annihilation (DEA), the National Anti-Spore Task Force (NASTF), and other patriotic agencies.
Negotiations with Canada remain stalled, largely due to Quebec’s refusal to admit its ragweed has been radicalized.
Core directives of Operation Golden Ragweed include:
• Immediate deportation of suspicious pollen within three miles of any U.S. border.
• Retroactive tariffs on airborne particulates inhaled since 1993.
• Strategic pollen checkpoints along Lake Erie, the Rio Grande, and select Crate & Barrel locations.
• Mandatory Allergy Loyalty Tests at public events, administered via mobile scratch-and-sniff booths.
Internal studies conducted in parking lots by Dr. Trent Masters (formerly of Petco) revealed alarming findings:
• Maple spores exhibiting “a bad attitude.”
• Lavender dust dispersing in “un-American patterns.”
• A tulip bulb reportedly humming the Chinese national anthem.
“We’ve been sneezed on long enough,” said Deputy Sniffer General Carla Jean Pruitt. “It’s time we fought back.”
In response, AFPA has launched several public health initiatives:
• Distribution of pamphlets titled Is Your Neighbor’s Garden Harboring Airborne Hostiles?
• The Anti-Achoo Ambassadors Program for youth aged 6–17, complete with military-style caps and training in tactical breathing and suspicious wind detection.
The official Anti-Achoo pledge: “I pledge allegiance to the air, and to the nose of the United States of America, with liberty and Claritin for all.”
Implementation will begin in Northeast Ohio — ground zero for rogue goldenrod and maple drift. Countermeasures include:
• Community pollen sweeps using retrofit TSA Shop-Vacs.
• Allergen interrogation booths at key transit hubs.
• Controlled flower burns supervised by 4-H clubs and one beekeeper per county.
• Experimental insecticide targeting mule bees has been deployed by the Department of Homeland Hygiene.
Retired mall Santas, CVS pharmacists, and survivors of the Bath & Body Works Recall of 2012 have been activated as Reserve Sniffers to assist.
Resistance is anticipated from rogue elements inside the CDC and Department of the Interior, who continue to object to replacing arboreal diversity with patriotic AstroTurf.
AFPA officials insist: “Liberty is not a houseplant. National security must come first.”
The report concludes by invoking historical precedent: “Abraham Lincoln — who allegedly sneezed through a cabinet meeting yet still completed the Emancipation Proclamation — did not let pollen stop him. Neither will we.”
Cultural Sensitivity Notice:
“While Dutch tulips remain technically legal, daffodils of unknown origin will be detained under the Patriot Planter Act. Tulip-sniffing canines are now active at all major ports of entry.
“Swiss pollen sleeper cells remain under investigation. Drone-assisted sunflower strikes remain on the table.
“God bless America — and God bless the noble American nose.”
Bio: Harvey Lieberman is a humor writer, essayist, and occasional allergen defense strategist. His work has appeared in Humor Times and other publications under various aliases, depending on the pollen count.
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