[Disclaimer: This is a satirical news piece, just for fun, read at your own risk!]

xAI’s Grok to be a ‘Seminal Force’ in the Department of Defense

Department of Defense to begin using the chatbox Grok, Elon Musk startup xAI announced Monday.

Elon Musk’s startup xAI announced Monday that the Department of Defense would begin using the artificial intelligence chatbox Grok in its everyday operations. This is part of a government-wide “Grok for Government” program. The initial contract is said to be worth $200 million.

xAI chatbox Grok robot
Image: Rama, CC BY-SA 3.0 fr.

An xAI press release revealed that its products will be “available to purchase via the General Services Administration (GSA) schedule,” allowing “every federal government department, agency or office to purchase them. The products are also available on Trumpstore.com and on Amazon.com.” Each purchase will come with a red MAGA hat and a flask of Trump Vodka.

Addressing a press briefing outside xAI headquarters in San Francisco, xAI CEO Mister Peabody told reporters that Grok will “instill a bloodlust in our warriors,” and “make them want to kill, kill, kill!” Peabody said that the key factor is the “non-politically correct” nature of Grok.

“With Grok, when you hear the name, Adolf Hitler, for example, you don’t automatically shit your pants,” Peabody said, “but rather, you think, maybe this proud Aryan had a point…” As part of what has become xAI’s stock presentation, Peabody opened the floor to social prompts from the audience.

“Grok,” said a journalist from Fox News, “if a mob of negro Black Lives Matter rioters suddenly rush a police line, what should the authorities do?” Following a brief mechanical whirr, Grok said, “Immediately shoot the Godless perps in the leg; preferably with a large-caliber weapon.”

“Grok,” asked a reporter from Steve Bannon’s War Room, “if China launched an unprovoked invasion of Taiwan, what should the U.S. do?” In a sing-song cadence Grok replied, “work a deal to get 98% of essential Taiwan’s electronic integrated circuits and related microassemblies. Once those commodities have been secured by contract, discard the nation in favor of the People’s Republic of China.”

“Grok,” said DoD Secretary Pete Hegseth, stepping forward and mugging for the cameras, “how should the DoD assist ICE in the deportation of 28 million illegals?” After a moment’s hesitation, Grok said, “Proceed with construction of 100 Vermin Containment Facilities (VCFs) in the American Southeast, complete with alligators and sharks.

“Follow up by dispatching stormtroopers to Home Depots, Taco Bells and other likely locations for apprehension of criminal thieves, rapists and refugees from insane asylums. Use deadly force at all times!” Mr. Peabody, at the dais, smiled his mean little beagle smile and asked, “any questions?”

Bill Tope
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