By David Margolin
One year ago today, the controversial bill “Show No Toes (SNOT)” was signed into law. Now new legislation is being proposed.
Washington, D.C., Ersatz News Network — One year ago today, the controversial Federal Bill, Show No Toes (SNOT) was signed into law. SNOT banned the public exposure of toes by individuals over 12 months of age (extendable to 24 months of age on a case-by-case basis, as determined by duly authorized, “They Are Still Cute” Committees).
When he introduced this bill in 2024, Representative Daniel Dedos (D-California) stated, “The government has an interest in protecting citizens from mental as well as physical trauma. There are laws on the books that require wearing seat belts and helmets, and there are laws that control obscene and pornographic material, but citizens have no protection against unwanted exposure to toes. People who expose their toes are endangering public safety. Toes are distracting; no one can drive safely while pedestrian toes are demanding so much attention.”
During the debate about SNOT, Dr. Hiram Arch, Chief of Podiatric Psychiatry at St. Steppins Hospital, testified in Congress in support of the bill, “Unregulated toe exposure has had long term health consequences, including nightmares, foot fetishes, and loss of appetite. Toes are like psychic handcuffs, forcing the viewer to stare at them and tying up mental energy that could be put to better use. Arch coined the tagline that went viral during the campaign, “Cover the toes — free the mind.”
Arch backed up his opinion with statistics, “A survey conducted in 2024 by the National Institute of Pedal Health collected data from 35,000 participants; it showed a strong negative correlation between sperm count and the number of naked feet viewed per day. The birthrate had declined substantially over the last several decades; this is an existential threat to mankind!”
According to top-drawer lobbyist and fashion mega-influencer Laura Looney, who was instrumental in pushing SNOT through Congress, “My followers are so much happier now that the pressure to beautify their toes is gone. Let’s face it, toes are the least attractive part of the body. No amount of polish, nail art, rings, or other paraphernalia is going to change that, and it’s nearly impossible to pierce the darn things. Believe me, I’ve tried.”
Long Tran, Executive Director of the International Nail Salon Association, voiced a different opinion, “SNOT is clearly a racist piece of legislation. It is well known that 99.9 % of nail salons in the United States are owned by individuals of Asian descent. Banning toe exposure was clearly a form of racial discrimination. Our business is down by 50% since SNOT was enacted.”
Mr. Tran is not alone in his opposition to the law. In late August 2024, an estimated 50,000 people, representing dozens of organizations, marched in Washington D.C. to protest SNOT. Nadine Narcissus, spokesperson for the international group, All Body Parts Beautiful, burned six pairs of her shoes in front of the White House. Police carted her away after covering her naked feet in locking burlap bags.
SNOT also faced some opposition in Congress. Representative Melony Traitor Greed (R-Bizarro World) was a vocal opponent. “I was against this law because it makes it easier for aliens, antifa, demons, and other quasi humans to infiltrate our society. It took away one of the ways of identifying them. A warren of toeless deep-state demons has infiltrated our country. Have you ever seen Hillary Clinton’s toes? No! You never will, she doesn’t have any. She has cloven hooves, like other leaders in the deep state cabal. “
Predictably, the sandal industry lobbied heavily against SNOT. The Birkenstock Corporation is rumored to have spent more than 25 million euros to defeat the bill. Laura Looney fought back. “The popularity of this brand has always been a mystery. Birkenstocks have been the most reliable footwear in history, 100% of the time they make people’s feet look even uglier. Even the daintiest foot looks flat and clunky in them, and everyone’s toes look square, like Fred Flintstone’s.”
Not to be deterred by passage of SNOT, Birkenstock Corp. launched a closed-toe line of shoes, including “Birkenstock Ballerina” featuring the signature broad leather straps with buckles, taken from the stockpiles of their outlawed sandals, and painted pink.
Not one to rest on her laurels, Laura Looney is promoting a new piece of legislation. She explained, “We’re calling it Nose Hairs are Nasty (NHANA). The goal is to ban public exposure of nasal hair. We have strong backing by the nose hair trimmer industry, but we face stiff opposition from nasal-mustache supporters and nature-knows-best adherents who oppose cutting any form of body hair. We have some fabulous commercials in support of NHANA that feature close ups of bushy nares. I think that this one is in the bag. Soon we’ll have NHANA alongside SNOT. People will be so much more attractive, just watch the birth rate shoot up.”
David Margolin’s published works can be found on his Substack page.
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