Ripping the Headlines Today - Paul Lander, Humor Times

Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to

The news, even that about female octopuses, doesn’t need to be complicated or confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon:

Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:

Female octopuses throw objects at annoying males who refuse to leave them alone

See what happens when you try and grab them by the octopussy?

History: During August in 1492 Christopher Columbus set sail

It was a voyage filled with disease and illness, making it also the first known Carnival Cruise.

Trump order DHS to paint the border wall black

Wouldn’t that make it DEI?

3 elves are cycling from the German town of St. Nikolaus to Finland’s Santa Claus Village

Well, in this case, every distance is a short distance.

Shaq reveals drug addiction during NBA career – and his current vice

… Uh, Krispy Kreme.

Kennedy’s case against mRNA vaccines collapses under his own evidence

… Much like when he finds out bear claws are a pastry.

David Beckham is ‘appalled’ by his son, Brooklyn, airing family drama: ‘We don’t do this in our family’

… Too bad the kid is far too old to bend him over the knee like Beckham.

40,000 lbs. of ribeye steaks sizzle after tractor-trailer bursts into flames on highway

Instead of water, they dosed it with A1 sauce.

Happy 80th birthday Steve Martin

You wild and cranky guy, you!

Inexperienced nudist acquitted of indecent exposure charges

For his sake, I hope it wasn’t for insufficient evidence.

AOL ditching dial-up service

It faxed the announcement using dot matrix printing.

U.S. takes 10% stake in Intel

Welcome to the People’s Republic of Pennsylvania Ave.

Lightning fires erupt as scattered thunder, rain hit LA County during heat wave

Damn those Jewish space lasers!

The Texas measles outbreak is over, officials say

… Yeah, And the Epstein Files have been released.

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Paul Lander

Paul Lander is not sure which he is proudest of -- winning the Noble Peace Prize or sending Congolese gynecologist Dr. Denis Mukwege to accept it on his behalf, bringing to light the plight of African women in war-torn countries. In his non-daydreaming hours, Paul has written for Weekly Humorist, National Lampoon, American Bystander, Huff Post Comedy, McSweeney's, Bombeck Writers Workshop Blog and the Humor Times, written and/or produced for multiple TV shows and written standup material that's been performed on Maher, The Daily Show, Colbert, Kimmel, etc. Now, on to Paul's time-commanding Special Forces in Khandahar… (See all of Paul's "Ripping the Headlines Today" columns here.)