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FIFA Condemns Cannabilism, Ruminates on Luis Suarez

FIFA chews over action against Luis Suarez

RIO DE JANEIRO — FIFA today issued a statement soundly rejecting cannibalism “whether on the field or off,” and ordered Uruguayan superstar Luis Suarez to have his teeth immediately removed or face a two-game suspension. Suarez is accused of biting Italy’s Giorgio Chiellini during their World Cup match on Tuesday. Uruguay won 1-0.

Luis Suarez, Hannibal Lecter mask
As a compromise, Luis Suarez may be required to wear a “Hannibal Lecter” type mask, here shown a little off-kilter after he attempted a chomp on a nearby referee.

“We unequivocally condemn eating the other side,” said FIFA president Sepp Blatter, “under any circumstances, even when, as in Italy’s case, their goose is definitely cooked.”

Blatter—his real name—added that “even nibbling or just a little sampling is definitely not encouraged.”

He noted that while Chiellini may have appeared to offer his shoulder to Suarez, even a little love bite with lots of tongue, as Suarez now claims it was, is not acceptable. “Of course, butt pats and group gropes are different,” Blatter continued with a disturbing smile.

Blatter said that Luis Suarez had been ordered to have at least his two front teeth extracted before being allowed back onto the field. “It’s a preventive measure,” he explained, noting that some doubt remained about the entire incident. “Luis normally never eats Italian,” Blatter remarked. “With him it’s just asado, milhojas, and alfajores [Uruguayan delicacies] all the time.”

Lawyers for Suarez said they hoped their client might get away by the skin of his teeth. They are negotiating with FIFA about allowing him to keep his famed pearly whites and instead play wearing a Hannibal Lecter mask. “Forcing Luis Suarez to use dentures for the rest of his life won’t take a bite out of crime” said a spokesman, “although Extra Strength Polygrip may be interested in signing him up to represent them.”

In a post-game interviw with ESPN, former world heavyweight champion Mike Tyson said that the whole affair had been blown way out of proportion. “I bit off a bleeding chunk of Hollyfield’s ear,” Tyson squeaked. “Now that’s a knoif! From what I seen from the pictures, Suarez never even punctured his skin.”

Suarez’s Brazilian girlfriend Coco Cabana, 19, who witnessed the entire episode from the stands, said that Chiellini should definitely stop complaining. “Luis eats me just fine,” she giggled.

Michael Egan