[Disclaimer: This is a satirical news piece, just for fun, read at your own risk!]

Tony Blair Calls for the Restoration of Pope Benedict XVI

Announces international “Bring Back Pope Benny” campaign, backed by the Kochs

LONDON — Former British Prime Minister and converted Catholic Tony Blair called upon the Vatican today to immediately remove “dangerously subversive” Pope Francis I, and reinstate his “politically more conservative” predecessor, Pope Benedict XVI.

Tony Blair, Pope Benedict
Tony Blair says Pope Benedict was A-OK. The former Pope thinks the current one is a commie.

“Despite his deep-sunk eyes and air of depravity,” Blair said, “we liked Benny Sixteen, as he is affectionately known, much, much better.”

Blair, who famously converted to Catholicism after leaving office in 2007, added that “pinko-lefty” Francis is “driving a wedge” between Catholic voters and political hypocrites like himself. An international “Bring Back Benny!” campaign, he said, was being assembled even as he spoke.

In the United States the so-called BBB or “B3” movement is financed by the Koch Brothers and led by drug-addicted talk-show host, Rush Limbaugh, who often uses his daily radio rant to denounce Pope Francis as “a limp-wristed, panty-waisted, namby-pamby poor-person lover.”

Limbaugh adds: “He wants a toe to kiss? Try mine.” Francis’ support for Obama’s Cuba initiative has almost driven Limbaugh to stop smoking contraband Havana cigars.

According to Blair, the current Pope is “embarrassing the hell out of all of us with his inclusionary chatter about dogs and gays and atheists all going to heaven. But if that’s true,” he notes, “what the hell is Hell for, then?”

Blair went on to say somewhat irately that the Pope is “acting like he thinks he’s Jesus Christ,” and advised him to “get off his bloody God-loves-everybody high-horse, and recognize that the Church is and always has been a well-rewarded member of the ruling class, at least since the Council of Trent.”

However, with Francis, Blair continued, “we one-percenters feel like we’re being driven out of the temple just because we’re money-changers. Well, that’s hate speech, my friend. Camels or not, we’re entering heaven.”

It used to be believed, noted Blair, that Jesus once said, “Love your neighbor. Help the poor. Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.”

“But that’s just socialism,” he pointed out. “So it can’t be right. What Jesus obviously meant was, ‘Screw your neighbor, let the poor starve, and above all do unto others before they do unto you.’ Now that’s advice a modern Christian can live with.”

Blair concluded: “Once Benny Sixteen’s back he’ll quickly put an end to this radical [deleted], and then we can all start over-consuming again with an easy — an easier — moral conscience.”

Michael Egan