[Disclaimer: This is a satirical news piece, just for fun, read at your own risk!]

Republicans Condemn ‘Hitler’ Obama, Hand Him More Power

‘It’s never tyranny when the tyrant does what you want,’ Mitch McConnell said, referring to Obama.

WASHINGTON, DC – Republican congressional leaders and their corporate masters gleefully rubbed their oily palms together today as President “Adolf” Obama rammed his TPP authorization bill down the throat of a visibly gagging and shocked American public.

Obama TPP“Yes, he has evolved into a tyrant of the most useful kind,” croaked toad-faced Senate Republican leader, Mitch McConnell. “Right now we need him to help drive through secret legislation no one is allowed to read or amend, and still pretend we live in a democracy.

“Good old Hitler would be proud of him and so are we. Obama finally seems to get the true spirit of American Republicanism – greed, hypocrisy and manipulation of the rules. We’re like the Josh Duggar of politics.”

McConnell said that while he and House leader John Boehner are still planning to impeach the president for executive overreach, his handling of the Trans Pacific Partnership (TPP) would not be included in the charges. “It’s never tyranny when the tyrant does what you want,” he said. The TPP scam would also not be part of their parallel efforts to sue him for breaching the Constitution.

“Extending health care to millions is slavery,” the senator pointed out. “Passing secret legislation over the objections of We the People, on the other hand, is the essence of democracy.”

“Obama is finally realizing that the function of Congress is to represent the interests of the ruling class,” McConnell said. “If what we do cannot be disguised as benefiting ordinary people, for example by screaming No More Taxes or Bomb Iran, key legislation just has to be pushed through without discussion or citizens’ knowledge. We plan to do the same thing with net neutrality next year.”

The Senate majority leader added that, “Obviously if voters could read the bill they’d oppose it. So that can’t be permitted. Besides,” he laughed, “y’all will find out in good time, when big hitters like Shell and Monsanto successfully sue the US government for lost projected profits.

“Either way, the gelt is coming out of your pockets, my friends. TPP is really international legal-speak for ATM.”

Sen. McConnell said that the swift passage of the trade agreement bill became inevitable “after Charles and David issued a fatwa about it. You don’t fuck with those guys,” he added, “unless you want to spend the rest of your life actually working.”

Cowed Democrats were keeping quiet in the face of the inevitable. “Yes, we oppose the bill,” said house minority leader Nancy Pelosi. “But we also know that when the masters really want something they get it, like the Iraq war. The TPP is gonna pass, one way or another, so why fight it? Like they say, you gotta know when to fold ’em.

“Sometimes,” she added, “it’s better to go gently into that good night. So, on behalf of all of us, good night, and please don’t slam the door on the way out of your democracy.”

Michael Egan